Hot Shed talk now brought to you by Shed-U-Like. Just try some of our hot shed lines and chat to like-minded connoisseurs. Just dial 1-800-HOT-SHED and at the tone press the correct digit. Then get down to some straight shed talk!!!
Dial 1 for HARDCORE ACTION!!! - Foundations and getting the right mixture of concrete/sharp sand.
Dial 2 for FIRM ERECTIONS!!! - Using the right bonding materials and fixings.
Dial 3 for HOT AND READY!!! - You're a bit sweaty, but your shed is now ready for use.
Dial 4 for PUMP ACTION!!! - Mending that old bike you keep in your shed.
Dial 5 for BANG ME HARD!!! - Ensure your shed is solidly built.
Dial 6 for DAMP DOWN BELOW!!! - Problems with seepage? Advice on damp courses.
Dial 7 for PERMANENT ERECTIONS!!! - Just what are the planning laws for sheds?
Dial 8 for RUB ME UP!!! - Shed preparation prior to applying paint/creosote.
Dial 9 for SLIPPERY WHEN WET!!! - Is lino flooring the best option?
Dial 10 for BIG CHESTS!!! - What to do with those old tea chests from your last move.
Dial 11 for GET OUT YOUR CANE!!! - More tips on preventing sweet peas from falling in high wind.
Dial 12 for IT'S DRIPPING ON THE FLOOR!!! - What to do if those old paint tins are leaking.
Dial 13 for I WANT YOUR SEED!!! - Swaps for old packets of flower and lawn seed.
Dial 14 for CHAIN ME UP!!! - Security for cycles and mowers.
Dial 15 for RAMPANT!!! - Trouble with vigorous ivy and clematis?
Dial 16 for IT'S A BIT SORE!!! - Remedies for back injuries.
Dial 17 for UP AGAINST THE WALL!!! - Spade, fork and broom storage.
Dial 18 for I WANT YOUR POLE!!! - A buyer's guide to new broom handles.
Dial 19 for TAKE IT FROM BEHIND!!! - Probably the best way to get your new shed into your back garden.
Dial 20 for HARD AND FAST!!! - How to lay a concrete foundation in one afternoon.
Dial 21 for WET AND WILD!!! - Rustic sheds in the Lake District.
Dial 22 for BIG ONES!!! - A review of the latest large sheds.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
I'm a respectable shed I am!
Sunday 18 December 2011
Xmas Newsletter
Monday 28 November 2011
Give racism the Blue Card!
Oh heck, I've just posted a message on Facebook warning people that I am fed up of getting crude racist messages on email and FB from well-meaning friends.
I got the idea from a friend who has done something similar. It just seems at the moment that it's ok to knock anyone. Race, anyone on benefits, the disabled. They are seemingly all fair game.
I got a really vile racist 'joke' via text last week from a former colleague. I might have sniggered at it in the 60's when I was young, foolish and woefully under-educated.
God knows this country has its problems but this sort of shite doesn't help. Neither am I the most PC person going and my irony often leaves people wondering.
The Blue Shed responds
I notice old Lard-Ass leaves out the subject of 'fat jokes'. A bit too close to home eh my adiposely-challenged friend?
How did he know I wanted to be painted Blue? He never asked.
I got the idea from a friend who has done something similar. It just seems at the moment that it's ok to knock anyone. Race, anyone on benefits, the disabled. They are seemingly all fair game.
I got a really vile racist 'joke' via text last week from a former colleague. I might have sniggered at it in the 60's when I was young, foolish and woefully under-educated.
God knows this country has its problems but this sort of shite doesn't help. Neither am I the most PC person going and my irony often leaves people wondering.
The Blue Shed responds
I notice old Lard-Ass leaves out the subject of 'fat jokes'. A bit too close to home eh my adiposely-challenged friend?
How did he know I wanted to be painted Blue? He never asked.
Friday 25 November 2011
Blue Shed Poetry
Here is my latest poem. I reworked Adrian Henri's fabulous 'Tonight At Noon' and gave it an updated, Rochdale slant:-
Tonight At Noon (Updated) by Hinch (With apologies to Adrian Henri
Tonight at noon
Supermarkets will refuse to stock Easter eggs before March
Tonight at noon
Children will learn how to skip again and to roll iron hoops
Bankers will take pay cuts to help the homeless
North Korea will scatter rose petals over the South
The Daily Mail will print messages of joy, tolerance and forgiveness
The first snows of summer will appear
And all our reservoirs will be forever brimming
Tonight at noon
Roaming dogs will clear up their own mess
Drake Street will ring to the sound of jingling tills and happy shoppers
Rochdale will be declared a World Heritage Centre
Salmon will be sighted leaping up the weir on Smith Street
And kebab shops will cater only for vegetarians
Fat ladies will refuse to wear their leggings
In markets and cafes
And track-suits will be worn only by sportsmen
Taxis will give way at crossings
Kareoke in pubs replaced by live music
Long queues outside our libraries
Traffic wardens embrace illegally-parked motorists
Flowers grow where once only litter flourished
Councillors set politics aside in order to work for the common good
Shoppers flock into town to marvel at the wondrous markets
and
The sun will rise serenely in the West
Tonight at noon
Tonight At Noon (Updated) by Hinch (With apologies to Adrian Henri
Tonight at noon
Supermarkets will refuse to stock Easter eggs before March
Tonight at noon
Children will learn how to skip again and to roll iron hoops
Bankers will take pay cuts to help the homeless
North Korea will scatter rose petals over the South
The Daily Mail will print messages of joy, tolerance and forgiveness
The first snows of summer will appear
And all our reservoirs will be forever brimming
Tonight at noon
Roaming dogs will clear up their own mess
Drake Street will ring to the sound of jingling tills and happy shoppers
Rochdale will be declared a World Heritage Centre
Salmon will be sighted leaping up the weir on Smith Street
And kebab shops will cater only for vegetarians
Fat ladies will refuse to wear their leggings
In markets and cafes
And track-suits will be worn only by sportsmen
Taxis will give way at crossings
Kareoke in pubs replaced by live music
Long queues outside our libraries
Traffic wardens embrace illegally-parked motorists
Flowers grow where once only litter flourished
Councillors set politics aside in order to work for the common good
Shoppers flock into town to marvel at the wondrous markets
and
The sun will rise serenely in the West
Tonight at noon
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
Oh yes, very bloody droll. Maybe 'tonight at noon' old Lard-Ass will get his backside off the mattress and go out and earn some money.
Sheds don't really write poetry but I'll have a go:-
There once was a geezer called Pete
Who was more on his ass than his feet
He would much rather shirk
As his wife went to work
While he supped his home-brew for his treat
Maybe I can do something more personal to me:-
No wonder this Shed is so BLUE
Being here is as bad as the zoo
I stand freezing all night
As the cats yowl and fight
When it rains I get soaking wet through.
Wednesday 23 November 2011
Public Sector Pension BLUES
Let me put my cards on the table here. I am a recently-retired public-sector worker which, if you believe some of the rubbish being circulated by the Daily Mail and the government makes me out to be some sort of criminal insofar as I have a pension that although small, allows me to live with something approaching dignity.
The fact that I contributed to this pension all my working life butters no parsnips with some as they point out that the money I paid my contributions with in the first place came originally from the public purse.
My pension lump sum allowed me to settle the mortgage on my modest two up, two down, Band A, terraced house. The sum I am left to live on every month equates to less than the National Minimum Wage. For this I spent over thirty years on the front line as a Staff Nurse in the NHS. During this time I dealt with kids with cancer, the elderly, violent drunks, drug addicts, HIV patients, mental illness, severe trauma, burns and all the other stuff you get to see on ‘Casualty’.
There is no bodily fluid that I have not mopped up again and again and again in copious quantities and I have dealt with the most emotionally-draining cases that still cause my eyes to water thirty-odd years later as I recall them.
Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t want a better pension than my colleagues in the private sector although I will admit that some of the deals that our bankers seem to get makes me drool with envy.
No, I believe that ALL people who work should be able to retire on a pension that allows them to live with dignity in old age. Instead of demonising public sector workers for wanting to retain their pension schemes, there should be legislation passed to force private employers to provide similar schemes. Then perhaps their own employees too can face retirement without fear and knowing that they won’t have to work until they drop in order to provide themselves with an acceptable standard of living.
Having retired, I cannot strike but I will be standing shoulder to shoulder on the picket line with my former colleagues on November 30th. I know that patients will still be cared for because that is what we joined for. We didn’t join the service to stand outside our hospitals, town halls and schools on a freezing November morning to cry out for public sympathy. We are doing it because we believe that the current government proposals on pensions are unfair and will mean that many of our colleagues will have to work longer, pay more in and get less out of it at the end.
It hurts me to see any working man or woman demonised. In the public sector, amongst many other things, we deliver your babies, teach your children, lock up your criminals, empty your bins, wade through your raw sewage, put out your fires, keep your streets safe, look after you when you are ill or dying and bury or cremate you at the end.
We know that people who enter these services do not accrue great wealth and most of us remain fairly anonymous all our working lives. To be honest, that’s the way we prefer it. It takes a lot for us to get angry and stand or march chanting under banners. We know that times are very difficult so we are not asking for big pay-rises, company cars or fringe benefits.
All we want, when we choose to retire or can no longer work is a contributory pension scheme that allows us to live with dignity and respect.
It’s really not a lot to ask is it?
A retired Unite Member
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
Well, for once I have to agree with him. First year of his so-called feather-bedded, inflation-proof pension and in the middle of November, he still can't afford to switch his heating on until just before his wife gets in at 5.30pm to save money.
He thinks I can't see him but he sits there in the conservatory with one of those electric throw-overs on him as he tries to keep warm.
I'm not starting to feel sorry for him as he chopped down my predecessor to fuel his chiminea but it's a bit rich.
I heard Cameron on the TV today saying that he thought the pension proposals were 'reasonable'. What a joke. What Pete gets per month wouldn't buy Cameron and his Tory pals a decent canape and a bottle of claret in the Bullingham Club!
I don't think that BLUE Sheds can actually go out on strike but I am very good at going slow so next Wednesday, I will be staging my own sit-down and go-slow strike here in the garden and just hope that those darned cats will take the day off from peeing over me and doing all the other stuff that moggies do.
Some hope!
Thursday 17 November 2011
A shift to the BLUE
Well I see my old pal and former colleague Jean Ashworth has jumped from the Lib Dem ship and landed on the Good Ship Tory-Boy. http://rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/63347/councillor-leaves-lib-dems-for-tories
It says more perhaps about the state of the local Lib Dem machine than it does of Jean's politics. It was probably less of a revelation on the Road to Damascus and more of a "Sod this, I've had enough" moment.
Mind you, I can't see her constituents voting for her as a Tory even though she has a solid personal following. May 2012 will reveal all.
It says more perhaps about the state of the local Lib Dem machine than it does of Jean's politics. It was probably less of a revelation on the Road to Damascus and more of a "Sod this, I've had enough" moment.
Mind you, I can't see her constituents voting for her as a Tory even though she has a solid personal following. May 2012 will reveal all.
Tuesday 15 November 2011
Blue Shed Latest
Sorry it's been a while since my last Blue Blog. Have been busy on my volunteer stuff, house-training our two new, cute kittens Miss Tibbs and Matilda, brewing beer and writing my Xmas newsletter which I will mail out with my cards and also via email for the first time.
Have now joined a local writing group so am sharpening up my pen once again and filling my inkwell with vitriol.
For those of you who don't know, I write a regular column for Rochdale Online using the nom de plume 'John Hardcastle'. He is the character in Keith Waterhouse's 'Billy Liar' who writes in the Stradhoughton Echo as 'Man-o-the-Dales'.
Here is my latest offering:- http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/78/opinion/63217/remembrance-day-2011
I see that the government has joined forces with the Daily Mail to swing its cosh at the disabled. Am neither surprised or particularly upset. After all, that's what the Tories have always done and will contine to do.
There is nothing new under the sun Horatio.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
Two cute kittens? Well pardon me Lard-Ass. They may be cute to you but to me they will just be another eight legs with which to scratch away at my nice bitumen roof when the little buggers are old enough to be let out to yowl, screw, piss and shite to their tiny hearts content wherever it pleases them.
By the way, thanks for nearly setting fire to me on Bonfire Night. I appreciate it. Mind you, as my BLUE predeccessor finally met her end in flames I should not be surprised.
Taling of flames, I see the old hag next door was giving you some verbal over your chiminea... again. Take heed if you dont want the local council round giving you the heat you so richly deserve.
Never mind all the writing. It's about time you got off your fat ass and tidied up the garden for winter or is that too much like hard work?
Have now joined a local writing group so am sharpening up my pen once again and filling my inkwell with vitriol.
For those of you who don't know, I write a regular column for Rochdale Online using the nom de plume 'John Hardcastle'. He is the character in Keith Waterhouse's 'Billy Liar' who writes in the Stradhoughton Echo as 'Man-o-the-Dales'.
Here is my latest offering:- http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/78/opinion/63217/remembrance-day-2011
I see that the government has joined forces with the Daily Mail to swing its cosh at the disabled. Am neither surprised or particularly upset. After all, that's what the Tories have always done and will contine to do.
There is nothing new under the sun Horatio.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
Two cute kittens? Well pardon me Lard-Ass. They may be cute to you but to me they will just be another eight legs with which to scratch away at my nice bitumen roof when the little buggers are old enough to be let out to yowl, screw, piss and shite to their tiny hearts content wherever it pleases them.
By the way, thanks for nearly setting fire to me on Bonfire Night. I appreciate it. Mind you, as my BLUE predeccessor finally met her end in flames I should not be surprised.
Taling of flames, I see the old hag next door was giving you some verbal over your chiminea... again. Take heed if you dont want the local council round giving you the heat you so richly deserve.
Never mind all the writing. It's about time you got off your fat ass and tidied up the garden for winter or is that too much like hard work?
Monday 17 October 2011
Tories get tough on energy prices
So let's get this right. Cameron gets tough on energy prices. He sends Chris Huhne to a summit with the Big 6 energy companies to tell them to reduce them.
Basically they say, 'Fuck Off and go and lag your boiler' and the government says 'OK' and... err... that's it.
What a crowd of Willie Wonkas!
What idiots voted these crew into power. (no pun intended.)
Well, I'm doing my bit. Switch all heating off during the day and sit in my conservatory with my 200 watt Tesco electric over-blanket on my knees to cut down the heating bills.
I only turn on the heating half an hour before Sinead comes in from work. Ain't I thoughtful?
The Blue Shed responds:
Thoughtful? Listen here Lard-Ass. While you are in there keeping your fat gut warm, I'm here in the bottom of your garden getting rained on, shat on and almost blown away in a 60mph wind!
Get real.
Look at you. Six months retired and you look like one of those ads from the Classifieds in the 'News of the World' where you sit in one of those zip-up quilt things all day just waiting for the bloody undertaker to call.
Ever hear of arterioschlerosis, DVT, haemostatis, stroke? No, I didn't think you had.
Get off your ass and get a job why doncha?
Basically they say, 'Fuck Off and go and lag your boiler' and the government says 'OK' and... err... that's it.
What a crowd of Willie Wonkas!
What idiots voted these crew into power. (no pun intended.)
Well, I'm doing my bit. Switch all heating off during the day and sit in my conservatory with my 200 watt Tesco electric over-blanket on my knees to cut down the heating bills.
I only turn on the heating half an hour before Sinead comes in from work. Ain't I thoughtful?
The Blue Shed responds:
Thoughtful? Listen here Lard-Ass. While you are in there keeping your fat gut warm, I'm here in the bottom of your garden getting rained on, shat on and almost blown away in a 60mph wind!
Get real.
Look at you. Six months retired and you look like one of those ads from the Classifieds in the 'News of the World' where you sit in one of those zip-up quilt things all day just waiting for the bloody undertaker to call.
Ever hear of arterioschlerosis, DVT, haemostatis, stroke? No, I didn't think you had.
Get off your ass and get a job why doncha?
Saturday 8 October 2011
More BLUE news
Well, it's been a while since my last blog. Holidays/work, bone-idleness to blame plus the terrible brain-damage suffered as a result of watching too many party conferences.
Spent summer in garden but am back at work now two days a week doing what I do best... telling other people how to get their lives in order. (A bit like Pol Pot giving lectures on racial tolerence.)
The GREAT news is that my great friend's scan was all-clear so things looking MUCH better on that front.
Off to Majorca today though Mrs H has no idea where we are going.
The holiday in Normandy in August was one of the best ever. Ate loads of oysters, horse-steak and drank their magic cider in copious quantities.
Have started a campaign to get Norman Evans, famed Rochdale comedian a blue plaque. Les Dawson built his 'over the garden wall' sketches on Norman's earlier work. Read all about my campaign at http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/61697/campaign-launched-for-norman-evans-to-be-recognised-with-blue-plaque
Have written to Paul Merton, Ken Dodd and Roy Hudd to try to get them to back me and I also have a few local councillors on-board.
My lovely red Range Rover died en-route to a bluegrass festival in Gloucester a few weeks ago. Write-off. Have now gone back to a Discovery td5 automatic in dark blue. It drives fab.
Just spent a boy's weekend with my mate Howard in Leicester. Boy, did we shift some booze*. (*NOTE: Rhetorical question.)
Retirement is the best thing I ever did even though I love my role as a volunteer. I get far more value out of it than I did at work. I really have set myself apart from all the NHS and trade union stuff emotionally as well as physically though I remain vice-chair of my branch.
News from my old employer, The Pennine Acute Getsmuchworse NHS Trust confirms the decision I made. Lions led by donkeys springs to mind. £2M of their budget has just been trousered by management consultants. When the public hears about how much money is being spent on the NHS, little do they realise how much of it is being shovelled out of the back door.
The friends who helped me get through the last 3-4 years of total crap are more valued by me than any mere words can describe.
I want to get back into some serious writing over the winter. Not sure what direction to go in but I need to earn some dosh. My pension would just about buy a Sudanese farmer a dead goat.
Talking about Sudan, did you see that cheap shot of the Tories who 'donated' their party political broadcast to the famine appeal? Pure schmaltz.
My beer-brewing is going from strength to strength. (No pun intended.) Got a barrel of 'Nelson's Revenge' on for Bonfire Night.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
Well, at least old Lard-Ass has got off his backside for one and sorted the garden out. New lawn. New BLUE gate. Pity about all the cat shit. I still have to endure the local moggies having a yowl-fest every night and red and grey squirrels scuttling over my roof to get at the peanuts without so much as a by-your-leave.
I just wish it would stop pissing down. Good job Lard-Ass gave me a couple of coats of BLUE waterproof paint.
It's all gone quiet on the chininea war front. Think he's got his fingers burnt there. (Yes, SHEDS can make jokes too!)
Spent summer in garden but am back at work now two days a week doing what I do best... telling other people how to get their lives in order. (A bit like Pol Pot giving lectures on racial tolerence.)
The GREAT news is that my great friend's scan was all-clear so things looking MUCH better on that front.
Off to Majorca today though Mrs H has no idea where we are going.
The holiday in Normandy in August was one of the best ever. Ate loads of oysters, horse-steak and drank their magic cider in copious quantities.
Have started a campaign to get Norman Evans, famed Rochdale comedian a blue plaque. Les Dawson built his 'over the garden wall' sketches on Norman's earlier work. Read all about my campaign at http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/61697/campaign-launched-for-norman-evans-to-be-recognised-with-blue-plaque
Have written to Paul Merton, Ken Dodd and Roy Hudd to try to get them to back me and I also have a few local councillors on-board.
My lovely red Range Rover died en-route to a bluegrass festival in Gloucester a few weeks ago. Write-off. Have now gone back to a Discovery td5 automatic in dark blue. It drives fab.
Just spent a boy's weekend with my mate Howard in Leicester. Boy, did we shift some booze*. (*NOTE: Rhetorical question.)
Retirement is the best thing I ever did even though I love my role as a volunteer. I get far more value out of it than I did at work. I really have set myself apart from all the NHS and trade union stuff emotionally as well as physically though I remain vice-chair of my branch.
News from my old employer, The Pennine Acute Getsmuchworse NHS Trust confirms the decision I made. Lions led by donkeys springs to mind. £2M of their budget has just been trousered by management consultants. When the public hears about how much money is being spent on the NHS, little do they realise how much of it is being shovelled out of the back door.
The friends who helped me get through the last 3-4 years of total crap are more valued by me than any mere words can describe.
I want to get back into some serious writing over the winter. Not sure what direction to go in but I need to earn some dosh. My pension would just about buy a Sudanese farmer a dead goat.
Talking about Sudan, did you see that cheap shot of the Tories who 'donated' their party political broadcast to the famine appeal? Pure schmaltz.
My beer-brewing is going from strength to strength. (No pun intended.) Got a barrel of 'Nelson's Revenge' on for Bonfire Night.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
Well, at least old Lard-Ass has got off his backside for one and sorted the garden out. New lawn. New BLUE gate. Pity about all the cat shit. I still have to endure the local moggies having a yowl-fest every night and red and grey squirrels scuttling over my roof to get at the peanuts without so much as a by-your-leave.
I just wish it would stop pissing down. Good job Lard-Ass gave me a couple of coats of BLUE waterproof paint.
It's all gone quiet on the chininea war front. Think he's got his fingers burnt there. (Yes, SHEDS can make jokes too!)
Saturday 27 August 2011
What's Lard-Ass up to?
Well old Lard-Ass is up to something. Been a lot of hammering and banging going on over the last few days. I also felt a weird pricking sensation around my roof. What is he up to?
Yesterday his crazy brother-in-law came and put a new garden gate on. Today Lard-Ass painted it Blue. Had to laugh, as soon as he finished there was a cloudburst and half the paint was washed off. He is such a pillock!
The turf has taken well so I am now surrounded by a lush but rather small green lawn. Maybe he is after taking up croquet like that Lard-Ass Labour politician whose name I forget.
Something is definitely afoot. I don't like it. Is he going to torch me like he did with Blue Shed Mk 1? Who knows. He's mad enough for anything.
It is also a Bank Holiday weekend. That does not bode well. Lard-Ass usually gets drunk, invites friends round, plays Led Zeppelin and gets his harmonica out. He generally makes an idiot of himself.
I do not like it. Not one little bit.
A red and a grey squirrel came scampering over my felt-hat yesterday to rob his bird-feeder. Good on you boys but watch out for those bloody cats. They are vicious, yowling demons.
Yesterday his crazy brother-in-law came and put a new garden gate on. Today Lard-Ass painted it Blue. Had to laugh, as soon as he finished there was a cloudburst and half the paint was washed off. He is such a pillock!
The turf has taken well so I am now surrounded by a lush but rather small green lawn. Maybe he is after taking up croquet like that Lard-Ass Labour politician whose name I forget.
Something is definitely afoot. I don't like it. Is he going to torch me like he did with Blue Shed Mk 1? Who knows. He's mad enough for anything.
It is also a Bank Holiday weekend. That does not bode well. Lard-Ass usually gets drunk, invites friends round, plays Led Zeppelin and gets his harmonica out. He generally makes an idiot of himself.
I do not like it. Not one little bit.
A red and a grey squirrel came scampering over my felt-hat yesterday to rob his bird-feeder. Good on you boys but watch out for those bloody cats. They are vicious, yowling demons.
Tuesday 16 August 2011
The Return of Lard-Ass
Well I'm back from holidays. (Full report on my Facebook page.) Had a fab weekend in Cumbria with an old and very valued friend. Now planning next years hols.
My daughter had a really BIG cancer scare this week but results are not looking as bad as we feared. To be checked again in six months.
My Great Friend is also responding well to treatment so things looking ok... after a fashion.
Bloody residents meeting tonight. I could do without it to be honest. Not really into these neo-vigilante things. Full of little-Hitlers.
Garden looking fab. Had lawn laid round Blue Shed so he should be pleased... for once.
Made a lovely bacon and egg pie tonight. Click on for receipe. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13632&PID=275349
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-
Pleased? I'm still thinking about the fate of my predecessor. Up in smoke after years of faithful service. Still, Old Lard-Ass got a shock on return from his hols. Letter from the council warning him that neighbours had complained about smoke from his chiminea. That'll shut him up for a while.
Well the lawn looks better that the pile of mud that preceded it but already I can see three pieces of cat-poo on it already.
It's only about 17 sq metres but Lard-Ass still had to get someone to lay it. Bone-idle. I know he's retired but he is surely taking the pizza!
My daughter had a really BIG cancer scare this week but results are not looking as bad as we feared. To be checked again in six months.
My Great Friend is also responding well to treatment so things looking ok... after a fashion.
Bloody residents meeting tonight. I could do without it to be honest. Not really into these neo-vigilante things. Full of little-Hitlers.
Garden looking fab. Had lawn laid round Blue Shed so he should be pleased... for once.
Made a lovely bacon and egg pie tonight. Click on for receipe. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13632&PID=275349
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-
Pleased? I'm still thinking about the fate of my predecessor. Up in smoke after years of faithful service. Still, Old Lard-Ass got a shock on return from his hols. Letter from the council warning him that neighbours had complained about smoke from his chiminea. That'll shut him up for a while.
Well the lawn looks better that the pile of mud that preceded it but already I can see three pieces of cat-poo on it already.
It's only about 17 sq metres but Lard-Ass still had to get someone to lay it. Bone-idle. I know he's retired but he is surely taking the pizza!
Thursday 21 July 2011
Off on our jollies
Well, cold bacon sarnis prepared, nipped up for the Indie, quick slurp of cawfee and the traditional 'I told you to pack my washbag' argument and we are ready for the off.
Just checked the garden. Blue Shed looks a bit sombre but it is a bit overcast. Anyway, Sheds can't have moods. What a ridiculous thought.
BLUE SHED RESPONDS
God, he understands nothing. The expert on absolutely zilch. Now for two weeks peace and quiet, Bliss.
If I could only stop thre cats jumping off the tree onto me and prevent them from crapping downwind life would be a breeze.
Oh God, lard-ass is sorting out his holiday theme-music for the car stereo. I don't believe it. It's Bing Crosby's 'We're Busy Doing Nothing'. Is this irony? He does fook all most of the time anyway.
Just checked the garden. Blue Shed looks a bit sombre but it is a bit overcast. Anyway, Sheds can't have moods. What a ridiculous thought.
BLUE SHED RESPONDS
God, he understands nothing. The expert on absolutely zilch. Now for two weeks peace and quiet, Bliss.
If I could only stop thre cats jumping off the tree onto me and prevent them from crapping downwind life would be a breeze.
Oh God, lard-ass is sorting out his holiday theme-music for the car stereo. I don't believe it. It's Bing Crosby's 'We're Busy Doing Nothing'. Is this irony? He does fook all most of the time anyway.
Vicious Arson Attack on Elderly Blue Shed
THE BLUE SHED SPEAKS OUT!
OMG. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse! When I was erected here just a few weeks ago I remember sensing a burning smell. I didn't take much notice then. I thought it was lard-ass playing with that chiminea thing.
Now I know the truth!
I AM NOT THE FIRST BLUE SHED ON THIS SITE!!! (See photo and note incinerator in foreground.)
OMG. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse! When I was erected here just a few weeks ago I remember sensing a burning smell. I didn't take much notice then. I thought it was lard-ass playing with that chiminea thing.
Now I know the truth!
I AM NOT THE FIRST BLUE SHED ON THIS SITE!!! (See photo and note incinerator in foreground.)
Barely two weeks before I arrived there stood another Shed that had once been Blue and had been allowed to rot away, lock ripped off, window smashed and roof ripped off in the wind.
So lard-ass tore it down and burnt it. Seems he had an accident with it a few years ago when he leaned against it and put his hand through the window. Bled like a pig. He probably bore a grudge ever after. Serves him right.
Seen the scars on his left arm. Looks like the suturing was done by some cowboy of a House Officer first day on the job using parcel string.
Anyway, he got his revenge. My Once-Blue Sister-Shed ended up in the incinerator with neighbours complaining as per usual.
What a tragic end for a once-faithful servant. I can see I will have to watch my step here! He already stores his paraffin inside me.
He's had his car valeted for the holidays. About bloody time. It's a right bloody Shed*!
Anyway, his poncey friends have really pissed him off. They have announced that they are installing a custom-built summer-house with perspex roof and a veranda. All he has is a 6' x 4' pentland.
* PS, I do not approve of scruffy/dirty cars being referred to as Sheds. How insulting is THAT???
Wednesday 20 July 2011
On the road again... nearly
Well, only two sleeps and then we head down that lonesome highway heading for the ferry port and on to la belle France.
Not sure if I'll be able to blog from there but hopefully I'll find plenty to occupy myself with. Kayaking, drinking Normandy cidre, stuffing myself senseless.
Only trouble is, in Normandy, just about everything has apples in it. It does grate after a while. Still, plenty of good hacha (horsemeat) and lobsters, oysters, l'escargot and the rest.
Hope my shed will be ok while I am away.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-
Don't give me any of that my old sunshine. You don't give a toss. Just look at the company you keep. Last Wednesday you went to Leigh on a booze-up with that crazy friend of yours and his brother.
You have only to see the state of his Shed to know what manner of man he is:-
Pathetic! What sort of man would have a Shed like that in his garden... a BROWN one at that.
I am looking forward to a fortnight's peace and quiet while lard-ass goes off in his mobile shed. The cheeky swine put his chiminea inside me tonight to keep it safe while he is away.
What a bloody nerve. Still, at least one of the bloody bikes have gone.
Nice few hours of sunshine today. Amongst those that landed on me were great tits, blue tits, doves, a large squirrel and some cabbage-white and red admiral butterflies. Loads of ladybirds about and of course those infernal fornicating and yowling cats.
Not sure if I'll be able to blog from there but hopefully I'll find plenty to occupy myself with. Kayaking, drinking Normandy cidre, stuffing myself senseless.
Only trouble is, in Normandy, just about everything has apples in it. It does grate after a while. Still, plenty of good hacha (horsemeat) and lobsters, oysters, l'escargot and the rest.
Hope my shed will be ok while I am away.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-
Don't give me any of that my old sunshine. You don't give a toss. Just look at the company you keep. Last Wednesday you went to Leigh on a booze-up with that crazy friend of yours and his brother.
You have only to see the state of his Shed to know what manner of man he is:-
Pathetic! What sort of man would have a Shed like that in his garden... a BROWN one at that.
I am looking forward to a fortnight's peace and quiet while lard-ass goes off in his mobile shed. The cheeky swine put his chiminea inside me tonight to keep it safe while he is away.
What a bloody nerve. Still, at least one of the bloody bikes have gone.
Nice few hours of sunshine today. Amongst those that landed on me were great tits, blue tits, doves, a large squirrel and some cabbage-white and red admiral butterflies. Loads of ladybirds about and of course those infernal fornicating and yowling cats.
Thursday 14 July 2011
Tory councillor gives me shit!
The Blue Shed writes:
Well, off he goes on a drunken sleepover with his crazy pal to Leigh. What a night I've had!
He sites me right next to this flowering cherry tree and hangs these bloody wind chimes from it. All nights it's bink, bink, bong, tinkle tinkle. I'm fed up with it!
To add insult to injury he screws all these big tool-hooks into my insides. My poor Blue sides are aching from it. Spades, forks, hoes, saws, strimmer and a bloody lawn-mower. Also a couple of damned bikes. It's giving me indigestion I tell you.
To add even more fuel to the flames, he hangs a clock on my outsides and because it's too new-looking, he gets the not-so bright idea of painting it over with water mixed with horseshit to encourage algae growth to 'age' it a bit. The smell is quite frankly appalling.
Is this guy mad? (NOTE: rhetorical question.)
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Well, off he goes on a drunken sleepover with his crazy pal to Leigh. What a night I've had!
He sites me right next to this flowering cherry tree and hangs these bloody wind chimes from it. All nights it's bink, bink, bong, tinkle tinkle. I'm fed up with it!
To add insult to injury he screws all these big tool-hooks into my insides. My poor Blue sides are aching from it. Spades, forks, hoes, saws, strimmer and a bloody lawn-mower. Also a couple of damned bikes. It's giving me indigestion I tell you.
To add even more fuel to the flames, he hangs a clock on my outsides and because it's too new-looking, he gets the not-so bright idea of painting it over with water mixed with horseshit to encourage algae growth to 'age' it a bit. The smell is quite frankly appalling.
Is this guy mad? (NOTE: rhetorical question.)
And to think, this time last year I was growing in a lovely forest in Scandanavia. The bloody indignity of it all. I used to be a lovely tree with my great boughs swaying in the wind. Apart from the occasional deer peeing up against me or woodpecker giving me a migraine life was good... until the day when the idiots with chain-saws came along and ruined it all.
Now I'm painted blue and living in a backyard in Shitsville Lancashire. I'm going to report him to the RSPCS. (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Sheds.)
He got the horseshit from an internet pal who is a Tory councillor and has a farm somewhere. It's bad enough having a compost-bin full of the stuff next to me without having to carry a bloody clock smeared with the stuff.
I attach a photo of the clock if you don't believe me. The white oblongular object is his wireless weather station.
The guy's a complete barm-pot if you ask me.
Wednesday 13 July 2011
Betrayed :The Shed Speaks Out!
Well, I've done my Blue Shed proud. Fully installed with light and power plus today I put a heater inside her.
In three short weeks, she has had three coats of blue preservative paint and yesterday I even attached a remote wireless weather station on her.
She must be a very proud Shed indeed!
Strange thing is though, although it was warm and sunny today, when I went into the Shed this afternoon I felt a distinct chill. Hope she's ok.
PS, another bonus of retirement. Today, out of the Blue, I got a letter from the DWP telling me I am entitled to a Winter Fuel Payment!
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
You fat bastard! How very dare you! Note the following:-
In three short weeks, she has had three coats of blue preservative paint and yesterday I even attached a remote wireless weather station on her.
She must be a very proud Shed indeed!
Strange thing is though, although it was warm and sunny today, when I went into the Shed this afternoon I felt a distinct chill. Hope she's ok.
PS, another bonus of retirement. Today, out of the Blue, I got a letter from the DWP telling me I am entitled to a Winter Fuel Payment!
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
You fat bastard! How very dare you! Note the following:-
- When I was erected three weeks ago you did not prepare a proper base for me. Luckily the workmen found some 4x4 oak posts to sit me on but unfortunately, the local cats crawl under me and spend their time either shitting or screwing. Charmed I'm sure!
- Oh yes, you must be very bloody fond of me. You sited me in between the compost bin and the burial place of a dead cat. Do you treat all your Sheds this way?
- You fail to mention that the Blue paint you dressed me with came at a rock-bottom price from Focus DIY which was closing down and their staff being made redundant. 'Best Trade Union Rep in the World'? Who the f*** is the worst????
- The power you installed in me? What a laugh. Did you get the wiring inspected as the law insists? Is it common practice to wrap the earthing wire around an old cold-chisel and bury it? Cheapskate!
- The heater. Don't make me laugh. You got it off Freecycle you bloody tight-wad. Didn't anyone tell you that paraffin and wood don't mix?
- Winter Fuel Payment? Use it to go out and buy yourself a brain for crissakes!
- You don't need a weather station for me to tell you which way the wind's blowing lard-ass. Oh yes, I've bloody rumbled you!
- Yes, I know all about her. You go around bragging about me. I might have fallen for it but then I found out about the OTHER SHED. Yes, the one that pulled up outside the front of the house this morning on two wheels that you call 'my caravan'. It's a plywood box numb-nuts... that is, another f***ing SHED...Geddit? So you're taking the bitch to France are you. What about me? What am I supposed to do while you are away.
- We're finiSHED I tell you. FiniSHED.
- And don't forget to close my door on your way out!
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Shed Wars!
Well, one of my nasty neighbours had the effrontary to march into my garden yesterday, brush against my Blue Shed and started ranting at me for lighting my chimenea at all hours!
The hag then told me she had reported me to the council and she began taking photos!
After that she asked if I was prepared to compromise. I asked her how do you compromise with someone who reports you to the council after you have fed their cat for two weeks when they went on holiday, trespasses on your garden, assaults your new Blue Shed and then starts taking photos of you?
Bonkers I say! Stark, staring bonkers.
Looks like I'm heading for ASBO-Land. Am I bovvered?
CCTV going up tomorrow just in case they try something on. Pathetic!
Well as if Marmite, my favourite foodstuff hasn't had enough to contend with in recent months what with Denmark banning its sale, todays Indie says that US and Australian scientists have published research in 'Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences' indicating that us marmophiles may suffer from an addictive personality.
Well, ok I admit that I had two Ryvitas smothered in the stuff this morning, that I am sat here wearing a Marmite t-shirt as I type and pride of place in my conservatory goes to my Marmite mug and tea-pot but what a load of hogwash.
I can't wait for breakfast when I will be having Marmite on toast. (The REAL stuff not that goo that comes out of the squeezy bottle!)
Did chicken casserole for tea tonight with strawberries and cream for dessert. Mrs BlueShed much impressed as well she might be.
The hag then told me she had reported me to the council and she began taking photos!
After that she asked if I was prepared to compromise. I asked her how do you compromise with someone who reports you to the council after you have fed their cat for two weeks when they went on holiday, trespasses on your garden, assaults your new Blue Shed and then starts taking photos of you?
Bonkers I say! Stark, staring bonkers.
Looks like I'm heading for ASBO-Land. Am I bovvered?
CCTV going up tomorrow just in case they try something on. Pathetic!
God invented neighbours as some sort of evil, twisted punishment.
Breaking news...
Well as if Marmite, my favourite foodstuff hasn't had enough to contend with in recent months what with Denmark banning its sale, todays Indie says that US and Australian scientists have published research in 'Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences' indicating that us marmophiles may suffer from an addictive personality.
Well, ok I admit that I had two Ryvitas smothered in the stuff this morning, that I am sat here wearing a Marmite t-shirt as I type and pride of place in my conservatory goes to my Marmite mug and tea-pot but what a load of hogwash.
I can't wait for breakfast when I will be having Marmite on toast. (The REAL stuff not that goo that comes out of the squeezy bottle!)
Did chicken casserole for tea tonight with strawberries and cream for dessert. Mrs BlueShed much impressed as well she might be.
Monday 11 July 2011
ShedBlog#5
Well off to get my right knee injected this morning. The doc didn't use local anaesthetic, was 'in like Flynn' and I went home to do some pottering in and around my shed.
Am off to bed now to rest it up and then do a bit of light hoovering in preparation for return of Mrs BlueShed. Might do roast breast of lamb or a chicken casserole.
I bought the 7-CD set of 'The Fast Show' last week so may look at a few classic episodes. That show really was packed with talent.
"Suit YOU sir!"
Am in countdown mode now for my holidays. Only 11 sleeps then off to Normandy with Mrs BlueShed, one grandkid (Aged 8) and my two Greatest Friends and their two sproggs. They have been having a worrying time of things lately so am hoping that we have a GREAT time out there in Colleville sur mer and that we all have the good news that we are hoping for.
Am reading Anthony Beavor's book "D Day" at the moment to get me in the mood and I have also got the 1944 Michelin map. Nowhere near as good as our own 1" to the mile OS maps but interesting nonetheless.
We are staying at the campsite next to the US military cemetery where they filmed 'Saving Private Ryan'.
At the close of most evenings, my friend Jeremy and I usually find a quiet cafe on the town square, smoke a cigar and drink pastis. Last time we did it in Brittany at Sarzeau, the cafe owner's wife came out to wipe our tables and said, "Ah monsieurs. I like to see two elderly gentlemen enjoying their cigars as the sun goes down." It made us feel strangely at peace with the world.
Not too sure about the 'elderly' bit though, cheeky cow!
Listened to the Today programme on Radio 4 this morning. Some guy needing a gastric bypass has been refused by his PCT on cost grounds is taking his case to the European Court of Human Rights.
I hope he stuffs them. So glad I had mine done in May of last year although I had to fight my PCT all the way.
This surgery costs about £10K but has been proven time and time again to be cost effective. You keep people in work rather than on benefits and save the NHS a fortune in medications such as insulin, beta-blockers and all the other stuff.
Luckily in my case I had a GP who had balls and fought for me. Not all of them do. They allow the PCT to overrule their clinical decisions.
Looking forward to return of Mrs BlueShed.
Am off to bed now to rest it up and then do a bit of light hoovering in preparation for return of Mrs BlueShed. Might do roast breast of lamb or a chicken casserole.
I bought the 7-CD set of 'The Fast Show' last week so may look at a few classic episodes. That show really was packed with talent.
"Suit YOU sir!"
Am in countdown mode now for my holidays. Only 11 sleeps then off to Normandy with Mrs BlueShed, one grandkid (Aged 8) and my two Greatest Friends and their two sproggs. They have been having a worrying time of things lately so am hoping that we have a GREAT time out there in Colleville sur mer and that we all have the good news that we are hoping for.
Am reading Anthony Beavor's book "D Day" at the moment to get me in the mood and I have also got the 1944 Michelin map. Nowhere near as good as our own 1" to the mile OS maps but interesting nonetheless.
We are staying at the campsite next to the US military cemetery where they filmed 'Saving Private Ryan'.
At the close of most evenings, my friend Jeremy and I usually find a quiet cafe on the town square, smoke a cigar and drink pastis. Last time we did it in Brittany at Sarzeau, the cafe owner's wife came out to wipe our tables and said, "Ah monsieurs. I like to see two elderly gentlemen enjoying their cigars as the sun goes down." It made us feel strangely at peace with the world.
Not too sure about the 'elderly' bit though, cheeky cow!
Listened to the Today programme on Radio 4 this morning. Some guy needing a gastric bypass has been refused by his PCT on cost grounds is taking his case to the European Court of Human Rights.
I hope he stuffs them. So glad I had mine done in May of last year although I had to fight my PCT all the way.
This surgery costs about £10K but has been proven time and time again to be cost effective. You keep people in work rather than on benefits and save the NHS a fortune in medications such as insulin, beta-blockers and all the other stuff.
Luckily in my case I had a GP who had balls and fought for me. Not all of them do. They allow the PCT to overrule their clinical decisions.
Looking forward to return of Mrs BlueShed.
Sunday 10 July 2011
ShedBlog#3
Hectic weekend in the Land of the Blue Shed. Got two grandkids; Jack & Paul over and also my nephew Josh. He is 19 with special educational needs and I took him for his first ever haircut yesterday. (Previously his mum cut his hair but it was a nightmare.)
With all the shite I've put up with in the Pennine Acute Hospitals Getsmuchworse NHS Trust Plc, I have had time to put things in perspective and the input I have had with Josh over the past few years has been far more important and meaningful.
Have helped sort out his occasional incontinence, have taken him on holiday, helped settle him into residential college, had him doing sleepovers and taken him on days out.
I also bought him his first ever pint on his 18th birthday in the Yang Sing.
Am not recording this to show you all what a thoroughly good chap I am but just pointing out that it is the seemingly small and human things that we do that are often the most valued and significant. It is very enjoyable and also humbling.
I get more satisfaction from the things I do with Josh and my grandkids than I ever did during the last three years at work. I love being his uncle.
The Blue Shed is very pleased. I put two shelves into her yesterday and a load of hooks for my butch tools.
Got the News of the Screws (Last ever edition today.) First time I have ever bought it.
Dodging the rain showers to have a Robusto cigar from Camaroon. Not bad.
Mrs BlueShed rang from Wexford (Weckie) where she has gone for her sister's 50th. They sound to be having a ball.
Having knee injected tomorrow all ready for the holidays.
Mrs BlueShed flies home tomorrow evening.
Pizza and strawberries and cream for tea then will drive the boys home. They come from VERY different social and economic backgrounds but all get on so well.
With all the shite I've put up with in the Pennine Acute Hospitals Getsmuchworse NHS Trust Plc, I have had time to put things in perspective and the input I have had with Josh over the past few years has been far more important and meaningful.
Have helped sort out his occasional incontinence, have taken him on holiday, helped settle him into residential college, had him doing sleepovers and taken him on days out.
I also bought him his first ever pint on his 18th birthday in the Yang Sing.
Am not recording this to show you all what a thoroughly good chap I am but just pointing out that it is the seemingly small and human things that we do that are often the most valued and significant. It is very enjoyable and also humbling.
I get more satisfaction from the things I do with Josh and my grandkids than I ever did during the last three years at work. I love being his uncle.
The Blue Shed is very pleased. I put two shelves into her yesterday and a load of hooks for my butch tools.
Got the News of the Screws (Last ever edition today.) First time I have ever bought it.
Dodging the rain showers to have a Robusto cigar from Camaroon. Not bad.
Mrs BlueShed rang from Wexford (Weckie) where she has gone for her sister's 50th. They sound to be having a ball.
Having knee injected tomorrow all ready for the holidays.
Mrs BlueShed flies home tomorrow evening.
Pizza and strawberries and cream for tea then will drive the boys home. They come from VERY different social and economic backgrounds but all get on so well.
Friday 8 July 2011
ShedBlog#3
And the day starts well. Weather not too bad. Breakfasted on cream-cheese and smoked salmon bagels with fresh-ground coffee on my patio. Lit the chimenea to keep off the chill and watched the blue tits feeding.
The wily old squirrel was leaping around on the shed roof as usual. Have to go into Manchester today to see an old friend who is in trouble at work and then over to Bacup tonight for drinks in the Little Queen and sleeping over at my friends gaff.
Read the following for evidence that Rochdale is a total cess-pit full of idiots. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13524&PN=4&title=danczuks-debts
I have to write a column for them this weekend.
It is all so much more preferable to working for a living.
The wily old squirrel was leaping around on the shed roof as usual. Have to go into Manchester today to see an old friend who is in trouble at work and then over to Bacup tonight for drinks in the Little Queen and sleeping over at my friends gaff.
Read the following for evidence that Rochdale is a total cess-pit full of idiots. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13524&PN=4&title=danczuks-debts
I have to write a column for them this weekend.
It is all so much more preferable to working for a living.
Thursday 7 July 2011
ShedBlog#2
Well, just been out to check my shed and a Tweet informs me that The News of the Screws is to cease publication this Sunday.
And to think of all the years I have taken myself off to my Shed on Sunday mornings with the NotW and a pack of Kleenex. Now, all gone forever. It is just too cruel.
Today I attended the sad cremation of an old friend. Another blue Shed that has had to be dismantled. I 'Shed' a few tears I can tell you as I popped the last piece of him into my trusty incinerator.
I am getting also getting some heat on the Rochdale Online forum. It's all too much.
I can't wait for the six o'clock news. (BBC of course, not Sky!)
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And to think of all the years I have taken myself off to my Shed on Sunday mornings with the NotW and a pack of Kleenex. Now, all gone forever. It is just too cruel.
Today I attended the sad cremation of an old friend. Another blue Shed that has had to be dismantled. I 'Shed' a few tears I can tell you as I popped the last piece of him into my trusty incinerator.
I am getting also getting some heat on the Rochdale Online forum. It's all too much.
I can't wait for the six o'clock news. (BBC of course, not Sky!)
ShedBlog #1
Oh heck. It rained on my new Blue Shed this morning and then a squirrel came and sat on top of it. I hope he has not shat on it!
I see that Murdoch is feeling the heat. Hope News International doesn't own Blogspot. They seem to own just about everything else.
Mrs BlueShed has left me for the weekend. Bought in rakes of wine and Thai beer to help me wile away the lonely days. (Hic!)
I will go down when it stops raining, smoke a cigar on my patio, reflect upon the evils of sodomy and the Liberal Democrats and photograph my shed.
I see that Murdoch is feeling the heat. Hope News International doesn't own Blogspot. They seem to own just about everything else.
Mrs BlueShed has left me for the weekend. Bought in rakes of wine and Thai beer to help me wile away the lonely days. (Hic!)
I will go down when it stops raining, smoke a cigar on my patio, reflect upon the evils of sodomy and the Liberal Democrats and photograph my shed.
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