Well, off he goes on a drunken sleepover with his crazy pal to Leigh. What a night I've had!
He sites me right next to this flowering cherry tree and hangs these bloody wind chimes from it. All nights it's bink, bink, bong, tinkle tinkle. I'm fed up with it!
To add insult to injury he screws all these big tool-hooks into my insides. My poor Blue sides are aching from it. Spades, forks, hoes, saws, strimmer and a bloody lawn-mower. Also a couple of damned bikes. It's giving me indigestion I tell you.
To add even more fuel to the flames, he hangs a clock on my outsides and because it's too new-looking, he gets the not-so bright idea of painting it over with water mixed with horseshit to encourage algae growth to 'age' it a bit. The smell is quite frankly appalling.
Is this guy mad? (NOTE: rhetorical question.)
And to think, this time last year I was growing in a lovely forest in Scandanavia. The bloody indignity of it all. I used to be a lovely tree with my great boughs swaying in the wind. Apart from the occasional deer peeing up against me or woodpecker giving me a migraine life was good... until the day when the idiots with chain-saws came along and ruined it all.
Now I'm painted blue and living in a backyard in Shitsville Lancashire. I'm going to report him to the RSPCS. (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Sheds.)
He got the horseshit from an internet pal who is a Tory councillor and has a farm somewhere. It's bad enough having a compost-bin full of the stuff next to me without having to carry a bloody clock smeared with the stuff.
I attach a photo of the clock if you don't believe me. The white oblongular object is his wireless weather station.
The guy's a complete barm-pot if you ask me.
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