Betrayed :The Shed Speaks Out!

Well, I've done my Blue Shed proud. Fully installed with light and power plus today I put a heater inside her.

In three short weeks, she has had three coats of blue preservative paint and yesterday I even attached a remote wireless weather station on her.

She must be a very proud Shed indeed!

Strange thing is though, although it was warm and sunny today, when I went into the Shed this afternoon I felt a distinct chill. Hope she's ok.

PS, another bonus of retirement. Today, out of the Blue, I got a letter from the DWP telling me I am entitled to a Winter Fuel Payment!

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS

You fat bastard! How very dare you! Note the following:-

• When I was erected three weeks ago you did not prepare a proper base for me. Luckily the workmen found some 4x4 oak posts to sit me on but unfortunately, the local cats crawl under me and spend their time either shitting or screwing. Charmed I'm sure!
• Oh yes, you must be very bloody fond of me. You sited me in between the compost bin and the burial place of a dead cat. Do you treat all your Sheds this way?
• You fail to mention that the Blue paint you dressed me with came at a rock-bottom price from Focus DIY which was closing down and their staff being made redundant. 'Best Trade Union Rep in the World'? Who the f*** is the worst????
• The power you installed in me? What a laugh. Did you get the wiring inspected as the law insists? Is it common practice to wrap the earthing wire around an old cold-chisel and bury it? Cheapskate!
• The heater. Don't make me laugh. You got it off Freecycle you bloody tight-wad. Didn't anyone tell you that paraffin and wood don't mix?
• Winter Fuel Payment? Use it to go out and buy yourself a brain for crissakes!
• You don't need a weather station for me to tell you which way the wind's blowing lard-ass. Oh yes, I've bloody rumbled you!
• Yes, I know all about her. You go around bragging about me. I might have fallen for it but then I found out about the OTHER SHED. Yes, the one that pulled up outside the front of the house this morning on two wheels that you call 'my caravan'. It's a plywood box numb-nuts... that is, another f***ing SHED...Geddit? So you're taking the bitch to France are you. What about me? What am I supposed to do while you are away.
• We're finiSHED I tell you. FiniSHED.
• And don't forget to close my door on your way out!