Off on our jollies

Well, cold bacon sarnis prepared, nipped up for the Indie, quick slurp of cawfee and the traditional 'I told you to pack my washbag' argument and we are ready for the off.

Just checked the garden. Blue Shed looks a bit sombre but it is a bit overcast. Anyway, Sheds can't have moods. What a ridiculous thought.

BLUE SHED RESPONDS

God, he understands nothing. The expert on absolutely zilch. Now for two weeks peace and quiet, Bliss.

If I could only stop thre cats jumping off the tree onto me and prevent them from crapping downwind life would be a breeze.

Oh God, lard-ass is sorting out his holiday theme-music for the car stereo. I don't believe it. It's Bing Crosby's 'We're Busy Doing Nothing'. Is this irony? He does fook all most of the time anyway.

Vicious Arson Attack on Elderly Blue Shed

THE BLUE SHED SPEAKS OUT!


OMG. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse! When I was erected here just a few weeks ago I remember sensing a burning smell. I didn't take much notice then. I thought it was lard-ass playing with that chiminea thing.

Now I know the truth!

I AM NOT THE FIRST BLUE SHED ON THIS SITE!!!  (See photo and note incinerator in foreground.)

Barely two weeks before I arrived there stood another Shed that had once been Blue and had been allowed to rot away, lock ripped off, window smashed and roof ripped off in the wind.

So lard-ass tore it down and burnt it. Seems he had an accident with it a few years ago when he leaned against it and put his hand through the window. Bled like a pig. He probably bore a grudge ever after. Serves him right.

Seen the scars on his left arm. Looks like the suturing was done by some cowboy of a House Officer first day on the job using parcel string.

Anyway, he got his revenge. My Once-Blue Sister-Shed ended up in the incinerator with neighbours complaining as per usual.

What a tragic end for a once-faithful servant. I can see I will have to watch my step here! He already stores his paraffin inside me.

He's had his car valeted for the holidays. About bloody time. It's a right bloody Shed*!

Anyway, his poncey friends have really pissed him off. They have announced that they are installing a custom-built summer-house with perspex roof and a veranda. All he has is a 6' x 4' pentland. 

* PS, I do not approve of scruffy/dirty cars being referred to as Sheds. How insulting is THAT???

On the road again... nearly

Well, only two sleeps and then we head down that lonesome highway heading for the ferry port and on to la belle France.

Not sure if I'll be able to blog from there but hopefully I'll find plenty to occupy myself with. Kayaking, drinking Normandy cidre, stuffing myself senseless.

Only trouble is, in Normandy, just about everything has apples in it. It does grate after a while. Still, plenty of good hacha (horsemeat) and lobsters, oysters, l'escargot and the rest.

Hope my shed will be ok while I am away.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-

Don't give me any of that my old sunshine. You don't give a toss. Just look at the company you keep. Last Wednesday you went to Leigh on a booze-up with that crazy friend of yours and his brother.

You have only to see the state of his Shed to know what manner of man he is:-

Pathetic! What sort of man would have a Shed like that in his garden... a BROWN one at that.

I am looking forward to a fortnight's peace and quiet while lard-ass goes off in his mobile shed. The cheeky swine put his chiminea inside me tonight to keep it safe while he is away.

What a bloody nerve. Still, at least one of the bloody bikes have gone.

Nice few hours of sunshine today. Amongst those that landed on me were great tits, blue tits, doves, a large squirrel and some cabbage-white and red admiral butterflies. Loads of ladybirds about and of course those infernal fornicating and yowling cats.

Tory councillor gives me shit!

The Blue Shed writes:

Well, off he goes on a drunken sleepover with his crazy pal to Leigh. What a night I've had!

He sites me right next to this flowering cherry tree and hangs these bloody wind chimes from it. All nights it's bink, bink, bong, tinkle tinkle. I'm fed up with it!

To add insult to injury he screws all these big tool-hooks into my insides. My poor Blue sides are aching from it. Spades, forks, hoes, saws, strimmer and a bloody lawn-mower. Also a couple of damned bikes. It's giving me indigestion I tell you.

To add even more fuel to the flames, he hangs a clock on my outsides and because it's too new-looking, he gets the not-so bright idea of painting it over with water mixed with horseshit to encourage algae growth to 'age' it a bit. The smell is quite frankly appalling.

Is this guy mad? (NOTE: rhetorical question.)

And to think, this time last year I was growing in a lovely forest in Scandanavia. The bloody indignity of it all. I used to be a lovely tree with my great boughs swaying in the wind. Apart from the occasional deer peeing up against me or woodpecker giving me a migraine life was good... until the day when the idiots with chain-saws came along and ruined it all.

Now I'm painted blue and living in a backyard in Shitsville Lancashire. I'm going to report him to the RSPCS. (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Sheds.)

He got the horseshit from an internet pal who is a Tory councillor and has a farm somewhere. It's bad enough having a compost-bin full of the stuff next to me without having to carry a bloody clock smeared with the stuff.

I attach a photo of the clock if you don't believe me. The white oblongular object is his wireless weather station.

The guy's a complete barm-pot if you ask me.

Betrayed :The Shed Speaks Out!

Well, I've done my Blue Shed proud. Fully installed with light and power plus today I put a heater inside her.

In three short weeks, she has had three coats of blue preservative paint and yesterday I even attached a remote wireless weather station on her.

She must be a very proud Shed indeed!

Strange thing is though, although it was warm and sunny today, when I went into the Shed this afternoon I felt a distinct chill. Hope she's ok.

PS, another bonus of retirement. Today, out of the Blue, I got a letter from the DWP telling me I am entitled to a Winter Fuel Payment!

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS

You fat bastard! How very dare you! Note the following:-

• When I was erected three weeks ago you did not prepare a proper base for me. Luckily the workmen found some 4x4 oak posts to sit me on but unfortunately, the local cats crawl under me and spend their time either shitting or screwing. Charmed I'm sure!
• Oh yes, you must be very bloody fond of me. You sited me in between the compost bin and the burial place of a dead cat. Do you treat all your Sheds this way?
• You fail to mention that the Blue paint you dressed me with came at a rock-bottom price from Focus DIY which was closing down and their staff being made redundant. 'Best Trade Union Rep in the World'? Who the f*** is the worst????
• The power you installed in me? What a laugh. Did you get the wiring inspected as the law insists? Is it common practice to wrap the earthing wire around an old cold-chisel and bury it? Cheapskate!
• The heater. Don't make me laugh. You got it off Freecycle you bloody tight-wad. Didn't anyone tell you that paraffin and wood don't mix?
• Winter Fuel Payment? Use it to go out and buy yourself a brain for crissakes!
• You don't need a weather station for me to tell you which way the wind's blowing lard-ass. Oh yes, I've bloody rumbled you!
• Yes, I know all about her. You go around bragging about me. I might have fallen for it but then I found out about the OTHER SHED. Yes, the one that pulled up outside the front of the house this morning on two wheels that you call 'my caravan'. It's a plywood box numb-nuts... that is, another f***ing SHED...Geddit? So you're taking the bitch to France are you. What about me? What am I supposed to do while you are away.
• We're finiSHED I tell you. FiniSHED.
• And don't forget to close my door on your way out!

Shed Wars!

Well, one of my nasty neighbours had the effrontary to march into my garden yesterday, brush against my Blue Shed and started ranting at me for lighting my chimenea at all hours!

The hag then told me she had reported me to the council and she began taking photos!

After that she asked if I was prepared to compromise. I asked her how do you compromise with someone who reports you to the council after you have fed their cat for two weeks when they went on holiday, trespasses on your garden, assaults your new Blue Shed and then starts taking photos of you?

Bonkers I say! Stark, staring bonkers.

Looks like I'm heading for ASBO-Land. Am I bovvered?

CCTV going up tomorrow just in case they try something on. Pathetic!

God invented neighbours as some sort of evil, twisted punishment.

Breaking news...

Well as if Marmite, my favourite foodstuff hasn't had enough to contend with in recent months what with Denmark banning its sale, todays Indie says that US and Australian scientists have published research in 'Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences' indicating that us marmophiles may suffer from an addictive personality.

Well, ok I admit that I had two Ryvitas smothered in the stuff this morning, that I am sat here wearing a Marmite t-shirt as I type and pride of place in my conservatory goes to my Marmite mug and tea-pot but what a load of hogwash.

I can't wait for breakfast when I will be having Marmite on toast. (The REAL stuff not that goo that comes out of the squeezy bottle!) 

Did chicken casserole for tea tonight with strawberries and cream for dessert. Mrs BlueShed much impressed as well she might be.

ShedBlog#5

Well off to get my right knee injected this morning. The doc didn't use local anaesthetic, was 'in like Flynn' and I went home to do some pottering in and around my shed.

Am off to bed now to rest it up and then do a bit of light hoovering in preparation for return of Mrs BlueShed. Might do roast breast of lamb or a chicken casserole.

I bought the 7-CD set of 'The Fast Show' last week so may look at a few classic episodes. That show really was packed with talent.

"Suit YOU sir!"

Am in countdown mode now for my holidays. Only 11 sleeps then off to Normandy with Mrs BlueShed, one grandkid (Aged 8) and my two Greatest Friends and their two sproggs. They have been having a worrying time of things lately so am hoping that we have a GREAT time out there in Colleville sur mer and that we all have the good news that we are hoping for.

Am reading Anthony Beavor's book "D Day" at the moment to get me in the mood and I have also got the 1944 Michelin map. Nowhere near as good as our own 1" to the mile OS maps but interesting nonetheless.

We are staying at the campsite next to the US military cemetery where they filmed 'Saving Private Ryan'.

At the close of most evenings, my friend Jeremy and I usually find a quiet cafe on the town square, smoke a cigar and drink pastis. Last time we did it in Brittany at Sarzeau, the cafe owner's wife came out to wipe our tables and said, "Ah monsieurs. I like to see two elderly gentlemen enjoying their cigars as the sun goes down." It made us feel strangely at peace with the world.

Not too sure about the 'elderly' bit though, cheeky cow!

Listened to the Today programme on Radio 4 this morning. Some guy needing a gastric bypass has been refused by his PCT on cost grounds is taking his case to the European Court of Human Rights.

I hope he stuffs them. So glad I had mine done in May of last year although I had to fight my PCT all the way.

This surgery costs about £10K but has been proven time and time again to be cost effective. You keep people in work rather than on benefits and save the NHS a fortune in medications such as insulin, beta-blockers and all the other stuff.

Luckily in my case I had a GP who had balls and fought for me. Not all of them do. They allow the PCT to overrule their clinical decisions.

Looking forward to return of Mrs BlueShed.

ShedBlog#3

Hectic weekend in the Land of the Blue Shed. Got two grandkids; Jack & Paul over and also my nephew Josh. He is 19 with special educational needs and I took him for his first ever haircut yesterday. (Previously his mum cut his hair but it was a nightmare.)

With all the shite I've put up with in the Pennine Acute Hospitals Getsmuchworse NHS Trust Plc, I have had time to put things in perspective and the input I have had with Josh over the past few years has been far more important and meaningful.

Have helped sort out his occasional incontinence, have taken him on holiday, helped settle him into residential college, had him doing sleepovers and taken him on days out.

I also bought him his first ever pint on his 18th birthday in the Yang Sing.

Am not recording this to show you all what a thoroughly good chap I am but just pointing out that it is the seemingly small and human things that we do that are often the most valued and significant. It is very enjoyable and also humbling.

I get more satisfaction from the things I do with Josh and my grandkids than I ever did during the last three years at work. I love being his uncle.

The Blue Shed is very pleased. I put two shelves into her yesterday and a load of hooks for my butch tools.

Got the News of the Screws (Last ever edition today.) First time I have ever bought it.

Dodging the rain showers to have a Robusto cigar from Camaroon. Not bad.

Mrs BlueShed rang from Wexford (Weckie) where she has gone for her sister's 50th. They sound to be having a ball.

Having knee injected tomorrow all ready for the holidays.

Mrs BlueShed flies home tomorrow evening.

Pizza and strawberries and cream for tea then will drive the boys home. They come from VERY different social and economic backgrounds but all get on so well.

ShedBlog#3

And the day starts well. Weather not too bad. Breakfasted on cream-cheese and smoked salmon bagels with fresh-ground coffee on my patio. Lit the chimenea to keep off the chill and watched the blue tits feeding.

The wily old squirrel was leaping around on the shed roof as usual. Have to go into Manchester today to see an old friend who is in trouble at work and then over to Bacup tonight for drinks in the Little Queen and sleeping over at my friends gaff.

Read the following for evidence that Rochdale is a total cess-pit full of idiots. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13524&PN=4&title=danczuks-debts

I have to write a column for them this weekend.

It is all so much more preferable to working for a living.

ShedBlog#2

Well, just been out to check my shed and a Tweet informs me that The News of the Screws is to cease publication this Sunday.

And to think of all the years I have taken myself off to my Shed on Sunday mornings with the NotW and a pack of Kleenex. Now, all gone forever. It is just too cruel.

Today I attended the sad cremation of an old friend. Another blue Shed that has had to be dismantled. I 'Shed' a few tears I can tell you as I popped the last piece of him into my trusty incinerator. 

I am getting also getting some heat on the Rochdale Online forum. It's all too much.

I can't wait for the six o'clock news. (BBC of course, not Sky!)

ShedBlog #1

Oh heck. It rained on my new Blue Shed this morning and then a squirrel came and sat on top of it. I hope he has not shat on it!

I see that Murdoch is feeling the heat. Hope News International doesn't own Blogspot. They seem to own just about everything else.

Mrs BlueShed has left me for the weekend. Bought in rakes of wine and Thai beer to help me wile away the lonely days. (Hic!)

I will go down when it stops raining, smoke a cigar on my patio, reflect upon the evils of sodomy and the Liberal Democrats and photograph my shed.