Blogger: User Profile: Martin

Blogger: User Profile: Martin

Croak, Croak. Martin here. Welcome to the Blog of the Rochdale Loonies. Really looking forward to swapping Loony tales with you all. Not done a blog before. Not sure I like it. 'Blog' sounds too much like 'frog' for my liking. Can't stand the green, slimy, pesky little bleeders to be honest.

Got some great ideas for Rochdale:-

1. Extend the East Lancs Railway to join up with the Metrolink so we can have our own giant railway layout.
2. Build a Wind-Surfing Centre on the Roch when they reopen it.
3. Put in a state-of-the-art air extraction system in the council chamber so that all the hot air can be used to heat homes for the elderly.
4. Pull down the Town Hall and use the old Providence House as a home for under-performing councillors.
5. Prayers at the start of Council Meetings to be scrapped and make them all tell jokes or do a silly dance instead.
6. Ban the sale of male-grooming kits in case it gives some people the wrong idea.
7. Turn the Exchange Shopping Centre into one giant pound shop. (It's not far off already.)
8. Make all the faces of the Town Hall clock tell a different time so as to make our diverse population feel more at home.
9. Turn No 1 Riverside into a Wetherspoons.
10. Turn the Church steps into a dry ski-slope.

So many more ideas going through my toady brain. Let's hear some of yours.

Ribbit, ribbit for now.

Election Day BLUES

THE BLUE SHED SPEAKS OUT

Well, I am absolutely BLUE wsith fury! You'd never believe what Old Lard-Ass has done now. Yesterday, he gets off his arse and calm as you please walks down the garden with a big red and yellow card and a staple gun.

This is the result!!!!

Yes, that's right, the crazy bastard has stapled a bloody advert from the Labour Party to me!

God, those staples hurt like hell I can tell you but what hurts even more is the indignity!

Can he not see that I'm BLUE, TRUE BLUE??? I don't hold with all this socialist nonsense. A load of unshaven, bone-idle n'er do well. That's why Lard-Ass likes 'em so much.

This really is the last straw. If I had legs I'd be out of here like shit off a shovel.

Whast a bloody nerve. How embarrassed am I!

I wouldn't mind but he never even ask. Does he think I've no feelings?



May Day Blues

Well, as a lifelong socialist I will be celebrating May Day by doing something different and more active.

I will be attending the

Chill-Out Meeting to be held at 7.00pm, Tonight, May 1st at St Joseph's Presbytery, Mary Street Heywood, OL10 1EG

To me,  May 1st is less about being a socialist and more about celebrating the lives of 'ordinary' people and their contribution to their communities.

For a variety of reasons, not everyone has a job or even a home. Once, many years ago I too found myself on my beam-ends and ended up kipping on friends sofas and even spent a couple of nights sleeping in a wooden hut in Broadfield Park!

RMBC thinks it can solve this issue by withdrawing funding for emergency beds and putting in a p*ss-poor 'Homeless Helpline'. It can't. This is a big problem that could rapidly become a crisis.

So, this May Day, let's put politics aside, pull together and show that this crazy and compassionless policy is several steps too far and is as paletable as a polystyrene cup of RMBC's Meatless Dosser Stew!

Not everyone can attend meetings or actively join a mass sleep-out but you can join our group on Twitter or follow the blog..

Have a happy May Day y'all whichever party you support - or indeed, if you support none of the.

If you are a member of Rochdale Labour Group and are reading this, spend at least part of today examining your conscience and try to remember why it was you joined the Party in the first place.

Ask yourself one question:-

What is more important to you, toeing the party line or serving ALL the people in your community;
including the less cuddly ones?

Soap-box away... at least for a few hours.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:

Hey Lard-Ass, if you think your going to house any homeless dosssers in me, think again. The smell of cat piss down this end of the garden is bad enough as it is?

.

BLUE with cold for Rochdale's homeless

Well, piss-poor politics in Rochdale really have meant a downturn in the fortunes of Rochdale's homeless. Sadly, this has happened under Labour's watch and a few of us from the forum pages on Rochdale Online have got together an apolitical group to do something about it. Details at
http://chilloutrmbc.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/and-were-off.html?spref=tw 

If the council refuse to budge, we plan to doss-out for a night in front of the Town Hall in order to draw attention to the situation which basically will make it damned-near impossible to access an emergency bed without going through a load of rigmarole via a telephone 'helpline'.

The last thing I want to do is to have to kip out but the Chill-Out campaign as we call it, is really taking off. Sadly, as yet, no members of Rochdale's ruling Labour Group has dared to join us. (Mind you, with the way that Labour operates in Rochdale, it has more in common than the Cosa Nostra than with a working class party! I think that folk are scared of waking up with a horse's end at the end of their sleeping-bag.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:

OMG, Old Lard-Ass has a bee in his bloody bonnet again.. How does he find the time? Now he seems to have gone into 'Hug A Dosser' mode. Well, bully for him. He never thinks of me at the bottom of his garden literally BLUE with cold being shat on by all the local wildlife.

Now, Old Lard-Ass has a pal; a weird-looking, shifty-eyed sod if ever there was one BUT, he knows how to look after HIS shed. His wife's a bit toffee-nosed and refers to it as 'a Summer House'.

Summer-House my ass. It's made of wood, it sits in the garden; it's a SHED geddit!!!! Anyway, I'll put a photo up. It might shame old Lard-Ass into taking better care of me.

Cute ain't it? Dunno what all the lifebelts and things are for; it's 50 miles from the sea. Still, it looks pretty in a psycho sort of way.

C

NHS Blues

Well, massive and very welcome news in today's Indie. A letter signed by almost 250 of the UK's top doctors has expressed massive opposition to the Bill and the failure of the democratic process by the coalition.

 

It says, "... we believe MPs and peers have played the political survival of the coalition above professional opinion, patient safety and the will of the country. The Liberal Democrat leadership ignored the democratic view of its spring conference, continuing to support a Bill that betrays the proud heritage of Beveridge's vision of the welfare state. It has colluded with its Conservative coalition partners and utilised all the political dark arts of obfuscation, deceipt and media manipulation to confuse and conceal the Bill's underlying objectives in order to force it through. Liberal peers have even voted against their own amendments.

 

"Shocked by the failure of the democratic process and the role played by the Liberal Democrats in the passage of this Bill, we have formed a coalition of healthcare professionals to take on the coalition MPs at the next General Election, on the non-party, independent ticket of defending the NHS and acting in the wider public interest."

 

Among others, the letter is signed by Dr Clive Peedell and Dr Jacky Davis, Co-Chairs of the NHS Consultants Association, Professor John Ashton, John Moors University and Professor Wendy Savage, Obstetrics & Gynaecology, Middlesex University.

 

The coalition aims to put up against 50 of the current Lib Dem-marginals or high-profile seats. The Indie is backing the campaign and says that the Bill should have been ditched a year ago when it was falling apart in order to make some cosmetic tweaks.

 

So, if the Lib Dems really do want to continue to claim Beveridge as one of their own, they need to get in step with a few founding principles.

 

 

No doubt the local Lib Dem apparatchiks will continue to defend the Bill and bleat about the nasty doctors. Let them carry on in their folly and face a well deserved kicking in the election.

 

Safe in their hands? Apparently nobody but them and a few money-grubbing GPs thinks so.

Blue Shed Cynicism

I've been wondering lately how everyday terms we use are not always what they seem. I thought I'd share some of my favourites:-


Freedom of Information Act - A piece of legislation ensuring that the government, local councils and organisations can retain secret information.

Border Control Agency - A game of cat and mouse in which the mouse nearly always wins and on the rare occasions that it is caught, is released on bail the same day never to be seen again.

Workshop - Time spent away from the workplace chasing rainbows and building castles in the air.

Life imprisonment - A term of incarceration rarely lasting more than ten years.

A Home - A place where children are put into away from their normal place of residence.

Care in the community - Being turfed out of hospital.

Communication Department - A body charged with ensuring that any information it gives out is totally incomprehensible.

Human Resources - A department staffed by the inept and unknowing tasked with the the avoidance of any rational decision-making.

ASBO -  A document giving street cred to scrotes, thugs and hooligans.

Community Support Officers - Failed police officers.

Sat Nav - An instrument for assisting motorists to locate cul-de-sacs, bridleways and one way streets.

Customer Helpline - A 'service' that gives you plenty of time to cool down before registering your complaint.

Equal Opportunities - Ensuring that opportunities are heavily weighted in favour of small sections of the community.

Chief Executive - A person given a massive salary to enable him to pay for teams of management consultants to do his job for him.

All original I'm afraid. What a cynic I am.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:

I've got another couple for old Lard-Ass:-

Retirement - Sitting on your fat arse all day, moaning and groaning and trying to put the world to rights with alcoholic accompaniment.

Gardening - Sitting on your fat arse looking out of the window of your conservatory thinking to yourself that it's too cold to go outside.

Cats - An animal that produces three times its own weight in shit every day ande leaves it wherever it chooses; preferably as close to a BLUE SHED as possible.

Work - Something that old Lard-Ass has developed a major allergy to.

Errr... that's it.

Council Election Blues

My latest Opinion piece for Rochdale Online

ELECTION PLEDGE: THE HONESTY PARTY

“The promise given was a necessity of the past. The word broken is a necessity of the present.” Niccolo Machiavelli

            The month after next, the local elections will be upon us once again and I am minded to stand as a candidate. I have had a good look round at the local parties but to be honest, none of them really appeal to me so I thought I’d form my own.

I think that in Rochdale we really are due for a change. I know that they all say that but I really mean it. Like many, I don’t think that Rochdale has been particularly well-served by politicians of any hue over the past few decades so I’ve come up with something very different. I’m calling it The Honesty Party and here is my manifesto.

Over the next few weeks, you will probably see me on your doorsteps or receive one of my fliers. After that, I faithfully swear that you will see neither hide nor hair of me for at least another three years.

Rather than make a lot of false promises that you and I know I have no intention of keeping, I will not insult your intelligence and will keep these pledges to a minimum.

·         I pledge to put the people of Rochdale first as long as this does not interfere with any in-party wrangling.

·         I will be totally honest with you at all times unless it is in any way inconvenient for me to do so.

·         I will make myself available to my constituents any time that I feel that it is reasonable for me to do so.

·         Without fear or favour, I will not vote for any policies unless I feel that it is in my interest to do so.

·         I will regularly attend all meetings required of me unless it clashes with my social calendar or my television viewing.

·         If I decide to change party before my term of tenure is up, I swear faithfully not to submit myself for re-election.

·         I pledge that at all times I will never let any sense of honour interfere with my role as a councillor.

·         I promise to faithfully accept and act upon the advice of paid council officers at all times and in all circumstances.

·         I pledge to draw my councillors’ allowance regularly and in the fullest measure.

·         I will never let my complete lack of vision interfere with my council duties.

·         I will do my utmost to ensure that my photograph appears in the newspapers as often as possible.

·         I promise at all times during my tenure to try to live somewhere within the M62 corridor.

·         I will answer all letters and emails whenever I can find the time and energy to do so.

·         I pledge to ignore any or all of my pre-election promises in line with current expediency.

There you are. You may not agree with all my points or even like them but if you vote for me and it all goes tits-up, at least you won’t have any grounds for complaint.

I believe that this gives me a distinct advantage over my opponents.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS

I think old Lard-Ass might be on to something here. He is bone-idle so a councillor's life might suit him. Even scratching his own ass these days seems to be a major effort for him.

Mind you, I REFUSE to allow him to pin up any election posters on my pristine BLUE paintwork.