Blue Shed Cynicism

I've been wondering lately how everyday terms we use are not always what they seem. I thought I'd share some of my favourites:-


Freedom of Information Act - A piece of legislation ensuring that the government, local councils and organisations can retain secret information.

Border Control Agency - A game of cat and mouse in which the mouse nearly always wins and on the rare occasions that it is caught, is released on bail the same day never to be seen again.

Workshop - Time spent away from the workplace chasing rainbows and building castles in the air.

Life imprisonment - A term of incarceration rarely lasting more than ten years.

A Home - A place where children are put into away from their normal place of residence.

Care in the community - Being turfed out of hospital.

Communication Department - A body charged with ensuring that any information it gives out is totally incomprehensible.

Human Resources - A department staffed by the inept and unknowing tasked with the the avoidance of any rational decision-making.

ASBO -  A document giving street cred to scrotes, thugs and hooligans.

Community Support Officers - Failed police officers.

Sat Nav - An instrument for assisting motorists to locate cul-de-sacs, bridleways and one way streets.

Customer Helpline - A 'service' that gives you plenty of time to cool down before registering your complaint.

Equal Opportunities - Ensuring that opportunities are heavily weighted in favour of small sections of the community.

Chief Executive - A person given a massive salary to enable him to pay for teams of management consultants to do his job for him.

All original I'm afraid. What a cynic I am.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:

I've got another couple for old Lard-Ass:-

Retirement - Sitting on your fat arse all day, moaning and groaning and trying to put the world to rights with alcoholic accompaniment.

Gardening - Sitting on your fat arse looking out of the window of your conservatory thinking to yourself that it's too cold to go outside.

Cats - An animal that produces three times its own weight in shit every day ande leaves it wherever it chooses; preferably as close to a BLUE SHED as possible.

Work - Something that old Lard-Ass has developed a major allergy to.

Errr... that's it.