So let's get this right. Cameron gets tough on energy prices. He sends Chris Huhne to a summit with the Big 6 energy companies to tell them to reduce them.
Basically they say, 'Fuck Off and go and lag your boiler' and the government says 'OK' and... err... that's it.
What a crowd of Willie Wonkas!
What idiots voted these crew into power. (no pun intended.)
Well, I'm doing my bit. Switch all heating off during the day and sit in my conservatory with my 200 watt Tesco electric over-blanket on my knees to cut down the heating bills.
I only turn on the heating half an hour before Sinead comes in from work. Ain't I thoughtful?
The Blue Shed responds:
Thoughtful? Listen here Lard-Ass. While you are in there keeping your fat gut warm, I'm here in the bottom of your garden getting rained on, shat on and almost blown away in a 60mph wind!
Get real.
Look at you. Six months retired and you look like one of those ads from the Classifieds in the 'News of the World' where you sit in one of those zip-up quilt things all day just waiting for the bloody undertaker to call.
Ever hear of arterioschlerosis, DVT, haemostatis, stroke? No, I didn't think you had.
Get off your ass and get a job why doncha?
Monday, 17 October 2011
Saturday, 8 October 2011
More BLUE news
Well, it's been a while since my last blog. Holidays/work, bone-idleness to blame plus the terrible brain-damage suffered as a result of watching too many party conferences.
Spent summer in garden but am back at work now two days a week doing what I do best... telling other people how to get their lives in order. (A bit like Pol Pot giving lectures on racial tolerence.)
The GREAT news is that my great friend's scan was all-clear so things looking MUCH better on that front.
Off to Majorca today though Mrs H has no idea where we are going.
The holiday in Normandy in August was one of the best ever. Ate loads of oysters, horse-steak and drank their magic cider in copious quantities.
Have started a campaign to get Norman Evans, famed Rochdale comedian a blue plaque. Les Dawson built his 'over the garden wall' sketches on Norman's earlier work. Read all about my campaign at http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/61697/campaign-launched-for-norman-evans-to-be-recognised-with-blue-plaque
Have written to Paul Merton, Ken Dodd and Roy Hudd to try to get them to back me and I also have a few local councillors on-board.
My lovely red Range Rover died en-route to a bluegrass festival in Gloucester a few weeks ago. Write-off. Have now gone back to a Discovery td5 automatic in dark blue. It drives fab.
Just spent a boy's weekend with my mate Howard in Leicester. Boy, did we shift some booze*. (*NOTE: Rhetorical question.)
Retirement is the best thing I ever did even though I love my role as a volunteer. I get far more value out of it than I did at work. I really have set myself apart from all the NHS and trade union stuff emotionally as well as physically though I remain vice-chair of my branch.
News from my old employer, The Pennine Acute Getsmuchworse NHS Trust confirms the decision I made. Lions led by donkeys springs to mind. £2M of their budget has just been trousered by management consultants. When the public hears about how much money is being spent on the NHS, little do they realise how much of it is being shovelled out of the back door.
The friends who helped me get through the last 3-4 years of total crap are more valued by me than any mere words can describe.
I want to get back into some serious writing over the winter. Not sure what direction to go in but I need to earn some dosh. My pension would just about buy a Sudanese farmer a dead goat.
Talking about Sudan, did you see that cheap shot of the Tories who 'donated' their party political broadcast to the famine appeal? Pure schmaltz.
My beer-brewing is going from strength to strength. (No pun intended.) Got a barrel of 'Nelson's Revenge' on for Bonfire Night.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
Well, at least old Lard-Ass has got off his backside for one and sorted the garden out. New lawn. New BLUE gate. Pity about all the cat shit. I still have to endure the local moggies having a yowl-fest every night and red and grey squirrels scuttling over my roof to get at the peanuts without so much as a by-your-leave.
I just wish it would stop pissing down. Good job Lard-Ass gave me a couple of coats of BLUE waterproof paint.
It's all gone quiet on the chininea war front. Think he's got his fingers burnt there. (Yes, SHEDS can make jokes too!)
Spent summer in garden but am back at work now two days a week doing what I do best... telling other people how to get their lives in order. (A bit like Pol Pot giving lectures on racial tolerence.)
The GREAT news is that my great friend's scan was all-clear so things looking MUCH better on that front.
Off to Majorca today though Mrs H has no idea where we are going.
The holiday in Normandy in August was one of the best ever. Ate loads of oysters, horse-steak and drank their magic cider in copious quantities.
Have started a campaign to get Norman Evans, famed Rochdale comedian a blue plaque. Les Dawson built his 'over the garden wall' sketches on Norman's earlier work. Read all about my campaign at http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/61697/campaign-launched-for-norman-evans-to-be-recognised-with-blue-plaque
Have written to Paul Merton, Ken Dodd and Roy Hudd to try to get them to back me and I also have a few local councillors on-board.
My lovely red Range Rover died en-route to a bluegrass festival in Gloucester a few weeks ago. Write-off. Have now gone back to a Discovery td5 automatic in dark blue. It drives fab.
Just spent a boy's weekend with my mate Howard in Leicester. Boy, did we shift some booze*. (*NOTE: Rhetorical question.)
Retirement is the best thing I ever did even though I love my role as a volunteer. I get far more value out of it than I did at work. I really have set myself apart from all the NHS and trade union stuff emotionally as well as physically though I remain vice-chair of my branch.
News from my old employer, The Pennine Acute Getsmuchworse NHS Trust confirms the decision I made. Lions led by donkeys springs to mind. £2M of their budget has just been trousered by management consultants. When the public hears about how much money is being spent on the NHS, little do they realise how much of it is being shovelled out of the back door.
The friends who helped me get through the last 3-4 years of total crap are more valued by me than any mere words can describe.
I want to get back into some serious writing over the winter. Not sure what direction to go in but I need to earn some dosh. My pension would just about buy a Sudanese farmer a dead goat.
Talking about Sudan, did you see that cheap shot of the Tories who 'donated' their party political broadcast to the famine appeal? Pure schmaltz.
My beer-brewing is going from strength to strength. (No pun intended.) Got a barrel of 'Nelson's Revenge' on for Bonfire Night.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS
Well, at least old Lard-Ass has got off his backside for one and sorted the garden out. New lawn. New BLUE gate. Pity about all the cat shit. I still have to endure the local moggies having a yowl-fest every night and red and grey squirrels scuttling over my roof to get at the peanuts without so much as a by-your-leave.
I just wish it would stop pissing down. Good job Lard-Ass gave me a couple of coats of BLUE waterproof paint.
It's all gone quiet on the chininea war front. Think he's got his fingers burnt there. (Yes, SHEDS can make jokes too!)
Saturday, 27 August 2011
What's Lard-Ass up to?
Well old Lard-Ass is up to something. Been a lot of hammering and banging going on over the last few days. I also felt a weird pricking sensation around my roof. What is he up to?
Yesterday his crazy brother-in-law came and put a new garden gate on. Today Lard-Ass painted it Blue. Had to laugh, as soon as he finished there was a cloudburst and half the paint was washed off. He is such a pillock!
The turf has taken well so I am now surrounded by a lush but rather small green lawn. Maybe he is after taking up croquet like that Lard-Ass Labour politician whose name I forget.
Something is definitely afoot. I don't like it. Is he going to torch me like he did with Blue Shed Mk 1? Who knows. He's mad enough for anything.
It is also a Bank Holiday weekend. That does not bode well. Lard-Ass usually gets drunk, invites friends round, plays Led Zeppelin and gets his harmonica out. He generally makes an idiot of himself.
I do not like it. Not one little bit.
A red and a grey squirrel came scampering over my felt-hat yesterday to rob his bird-feeder. Good on you boys but watch out for those bloody cats. They are vicious, yowling demons.
Yesterday his crazy brother-in-law came and put a new garden gate on. Today Lard-Ass painted it Blue. Had to laugh, as soon as he finished there was a cloudburst and half the paint was washed off. He is such a pillock!
The turf has taken well so I am now surrounded by a lush but rather small green lawn. Maybe he is after taking up croquet like that Lard-Ass Labour politician whose name I forget.
Something is definitely afoot. I don't like it. Is he going to torch me like he did with Blue Shed Mk 1? Who knows. He's mad enough for anything.
It is also a Bank Holiday weekend. That does not bode well. Lard-Ass usually gets drunk, invites friends round, plays Led Zeppelin and gets his harmonica out. He generally makes an idiot of himself.
I do not like it. Not one little bit.
A red and a grey squirrel came scampering over my felt-hat yesterday to rob his bird-feeder. Good on you boys but watch out for those bloody cats. They are vicious, yowling demons.
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
The Return of Lard-Ass
Well I'm back from holidays. (Full report on my Facebook page.) Had a fab weekend in Cumbria with an old and very valued friend. Now planning next years hols.
My daughter had a really BIG cancer scare this week but results are not looking as bad as we feared. To be checked again in six months.
My Great Friend is also responding well to treatment so things looking ok... after a fashion.
Bloody residents meeting tonight. I could do without it to be honest. Not really into these neo-vigilante things. Full of little-Hitlers.
Garden looking fab. Had lawn laid round Blue Shed so he should be pleased... for once.
Made a lovely bacon and egg pie tonight. Click on for receipe. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13632&PID=275349
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-
Pleased? I'm still thinking about the fate of my predecessor. Up in smoke after years of faithful service. Still, Old Lard-Ass got a shock on return from his hols. Letter from the council warning him that neighbours had complained about smoke from his chiminea. That'll shut him up for a while.
Well the lawn looks better that the pile of mud that preceded it but already I can see three pieces of cat-poo on it already.
It's only about 17 sq metres but Lard-Ass still had to get someone to lay it. Bone-idle. I know he's retired but he is surely taking the pizza!
My daughter had a really BIG cancer scare this week but results are not looking as bad as we feared. To be checked again in six months.
My Great Friend is also responding well to treatment so things looking ok... after a fashion.
Bloody residents meeting tonight. I could do without it to be honest. Not really into these neo-vigilante things. Full of little-Hitlers.
Garden looking fab. Had lawn laid round Blue Shed so he should be pleased... for once.
Made a lovely bacon and egg pie tonight. Click on for receipe. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13632&PID=275349
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-
Pleased? I'm still thinking about the fate of my predecessor. Up in smoke after years of faithful service. Still, Old Lard-Ass got a shock on return from his hols. Letter from the council warning him that neighbours had complained about smoke from his chiminea. That'll shut him up for a while.
Well the lawn looks better that the pile of mud that preceded it but already I can see three pieces of cat-poo on it already.
It's only about 17 sq metres but Lard-Ass still had to get someone to lay it. Bone-idle. I know he's retired but he is surely taking the pizza!
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Off on our jollies
Well, cold bacon sarnis prepared, nipped up for the Indie, quick slurp of cawfee and the traditional 'I told you to pack my washbag' argument and we are ready for the off.
Just checked the garden. Blue Shed looks a bit sombre but it is a bit overcast. Anyway, Sheds can't have moods. What a ridiculous thought.
BLUE SHED RESPONDS
God, he understands nothing. The expert on absolutely zilch. Now for two weeks peace and quiet, Bliss.
If I could only stop thre cats jumping off the tree onto me and prevent them from crapping downwind life would be a breeze.
Oh God, lard-ass is sorting out his holiday theme-music for the car stereo. I don't believe it. It's Bing Crosby's 'We're Busy Doing Nothing'. Is this irony? He does fook all most of the time anyway.
Just checked the garden. Blue Shed looks a bit sombre but it is a bit overcast. Anyway, Sheds can't have moods. What a ridiculous thought.
BLUE SHED RESPONDS
God, he understands nothing. The expert on absolutely zilch. Now for two weeks peace and quiet, Bliss.
If I could only stop thre cats jumping off the tree onto me and prevent them from crapping downwind life would be a breeze.
Oh God, lard-ass is sorting out his holiday theme-music for the car stereo. I don't believe it. It's Bing Crosby's 'We're Busy Doing Nothing'. Is this irony? He does fook all most of the time anyway.
Vicious Arson Attack on Elderly Blue Shed
THE BLUE SHED SPEAKS OUT!
OMG. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse! When I was erected here just a few weeks ago I remember sensing a burning smell. I didn't take much notice then. I thought it was lard-ass playing with that chiminea thing.
Now I know the truth!
I AM NOT THE FIRST BLUE SHED ON THIS SITE!!! (See photo and note incinerator in foreground.)
OMG. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse! When I was erected here just a few weeks ago I remember sensing a burning smell. I didn't take much notice then. I thought it was lard-ass playing with that chiminea thing.
Now I know the truth!
I AM NOT THE FIRST BLUE SHED ON THIS SITE!!! (See photo and note incinerator in foreground.)
Barely two weeks before I arrived there stood another Shed that had once been Blue and had been allowed to rot away, lock ripped off, window smashed and roof ripped off in the wind.
So lard-ass tore it down and burnt it. Seems he had an accident with it a few years ago when he leaned against it and put his hand through the window. Bled like a pig. He probably bore a grudge ever after. Serves him right.
Seen the scars on his left arm. Looks like the suturing was done by some cowboy of a House Officer first day on the job using parcel string.
Anyway, he got his revenge. My Once-Blue Sister-Shed ended up in the incinerator with neighbours complaining as per usual.
What a tragic end for a once-faithful servant. I can see I will have to watch my step here! He already stores his paraffin inside me.
He's had his car valeted for the holidays. About bloody time. It's a right bloody Shed*!
Anyway, his poncey friends have really pissed him off. They have announced that they are installing a custom-built summer-house with perspex roof and a veranda. All he has is a 6' x 4' pentland.
* PS, I do not approve of scruffy/dirty cars being referred to as Sheds. How insulting is THAT???
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
On the road again... nearly
Well, only two sleeps and then we head down that lonesome highway heading for the ferry port and on to la belle France.
Not sure if I'll be able to blog from there but hopefully I'll find plenty to occupy myself with. Kayaking, drinking Normandy cidre, stuffing myself senseless.
Only trouble is, in Normandy, just about everything has apples in it. It does grate after a while. Still, plenty of good hacha (horsemeat) and lobsters, oysters, l'escargot and the rest.
Hope my shed will be ok while I am away.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-
Don't give me any of that my old sunshine. You don't give a toss. Just look at the company you keep. Last Wednesday you went to Leigh on a booze-up with that crazy friend of yours and his brother.
You have only to see the state of his Shed to know what manner of man he is:-
Pathetic! What sort of man would have a Shed like that in his garden... a BROWN one at that.
I am looking forward to a fortnight's peace and quiet while lard-ass goes off in his mobile shed. The cheeky swine put his chiminea inside me tonight to keep it safe while he is away.
What a bloody nerve. Still, at least one of the bloody bikes have gone.
Nice few hours of sunshine today. Amongst those that landed on me were great tits, blue tits, doves, a large squirrel and some cabbage-white and red admiral butterflies. Loads of ladybirds about and of course those infernal fornicating and yowling cats.
Not sure if I'll be able to blog from there but hopefully I'll find plenty to occupy myself with. Kayaking, drinking Normandy cidre, stuffing myself senseless.
Only trouble is, in Normandy, just about everything has apples in it. It does grate after a while. Still, plenty of good hacha (horsemeat) and lobsters, oysters, l'escargot and the rest.
Hope my shed will be ok while I am away.
THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-
Don't give me any of that my old sunshine. You don't give a toss. Just look at the company you keep. Last Wednesday you went to Leigh on a booze-up with that crazy friend of yours and his brother.
You have only to see the state of his Shed to know what manner of man he is:-
Pathetic! What sort of man would have a Shed like that in his garden... a BROWN one at that.
I am looking forward to a fortnight's peace and quiet while lard-ass goes off in his mobile shed. The cheeky swine put his chiminea inside me tonight to keep it safe while he is away.
What a bloody nerve. Still, at least one of the bloody bikes have gone.
Nice few hours of sunshine today. Amongst those that landed on me were great tits, blue tits, doves, a large squirrel and some cabbage-white and red admiral butterflies. Loads of ladybirds about and of course those infernal fornicating and yowling cats.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)