Blogger: User Profile: Martin

Blogger: User Profile: Martin

Croak, Croak. Martin here. Welcome to the Blog of the Rochdale Loonies. Really looking forward to swapping Loony tales with you all. Not done a blog before. Not sure I like it. 'Blog' sounds too much like 'frog' for my liking. Can't stand the green, slimy, pesky little bleeders to be honest.

Got some great ideas for Rochdale:-

1. Extend the East Lancs Railway to join up with the Metrolink so we can have our own giant railway layout.
2. Build a Wind-Surfing Centre on the Roch when they reopen it.
3. Put in a state-of-the-art air extraction system in the council chamber so that all the hot air can be used to heat homes for the elderly.
4. Pull down the Town Hall and use the old Providence House as a home for under-performing councillors.
5. Prayers at the start of Council Meetings to be scrapped and make them all tell jokes or do a silly dance instead.
6. Ban the sale of male-grooming kits in case it gives some people the wrong idea.
7. Turn the Exchange Shopping Centre into one giant pound shop. (It's not far off already.)
8. Make all the faces of the Town Hall clock tell a different time so as to make our diverse population feel more at home.
9. Turn No 1 Riverside into a Wetherspoons.
10. Turn the Church steps into a dry ski-slope.

So many more ideas going through my toady brain. Let's hear some of yours.

Ribbit, ribbit for now.

Election Day BLUES

THE BLUE SHED SPEAKS OUT

Well, I am absolutely BLUE wsith fury! You'd never believe what Old Lard-Ass has done now. Yesterday, he gets off his arse and calm as you please walks down the garden with a big red and yellow card and a staple gun.

This is the result!!!!

Yes, that's right, the crazy bastard has stapled a bloody advert from the Labour Party to me!

God, those staples hurt like hell I can tell you but what hurts even more is the indignity!

Can he not see that I'm BLUE, TRUE BLUE??? I don't hold with all this socialist nonsense. A load of unshaven, bone-idle n'er do well. That's why Lard-Ass likes 'em so much.

This really is the last straw. If I had legs I'd be out of here like shit off a shovel.

Whast a bloody nerve. How embarrassed am I!

I wouldn't mind but he never even ask. Does he think I've no feelings?



May Day Blues

Well, as a lifelong socialist I will be celebrating May Day by doing something different and more active.

I will be attending the

Chill-Out Meeting to be held at 7.00pm, Tonight, May 1st at St Joseph's Presbytery, Mary Street Heywood, OL10 1EG

To me,  May 1st is less about being a socialist and more about celebrating the lives of 'ordinary' people and their contribution to their communities.

For a variety of reasons, not everyone has a job or even a home. Once, many years ago I too found myself on my beam-ends and ended up kipping on friends sofas and even spent a couple of nights sleeping in a wooden hut in Broadfield Park!

RMBC thinks it can solve this issue by withdrawing funding for emergency beds and putting in a p*ss-poor 'Homeless Helpline'. It can't. This is a big problem that could rapidly become a crisis.

So, this May Day, let's put politics aside, pull together and show that this crazy and compassionless policy is several steps too far and is as paletable as a polystyrene cup of RMBC's Meatless Dosser Stew!

Not everyone can attend meetings or actively join a mass sleep-out but you can join our group on Twitter or follow the blog..

Have a happy May Day y'all whichever party you support - or indeed, if you support none of the.

If you are a member of Rochdale Labour Group and are reading this, spend at least part of today examining your conscience and try to remember why it was you joined the Party in the first place.

Ask yourself one question:-

What is more important to you, toeing the party line or serving ALL the people in your community;
including the less cuddly ones?

Soap-box away... at least for a few hours.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:

Hey Lard-Ass, if you think your going to house any homeless dosssers in me, think again. The smell of cat piss down this end of the garden is bad enough as it is?

.

BLUE with cold for Rochdale's homeless

Well, piss-poor politics in Rochdale really have meant a downturn in the fortunes of Rochdale's homeless. Sadly, this has happened under Labour's watch and a few of us from the forum pages on Rochdale Online have got together an apolitical group to do something about it. Details at
http://chilloutrmbc.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/and-were-off.html?spref=tw 

If the council refuse to budge, we plan to doss-out for a night in front of the Town Hall in order to draw attention to the situation which basically will make it damned-near impossible to access an emergency bed without going through a load of rigmarole via a telephone 'helpline'.

The last thing I want to do is to have to kip out but the Chill-Out campaign as we call it, is really taking off. Sadly, as yet, no members of Rochdale's ruling Labour Group has dared to join us. (Mind you, with the way that Labour operates in Rochdale, it has more in common than the Cosa Nostra than with a working class party! I think that folk are scared of waking up with a horse's end at the end of their sleeping-bag.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:

OMG, Old Lard-Ass has a bee in his bloody bonnet again.. How does he find the time? Now he seems to have gone into 'Hug A Dosser' mode. Well, bully for him. He never thinks of me at the bottom of his garden literally BLUE with cold being shat on by all the local wildlife.

Now, Old Lard-Ass has a pal; a weird-looking, shifty-eyed sod if ever there was one BUT, he knows how to look after HIS shed. His wife's a bit toffee-nosed and refers to it as 'a Summer House'.

Summer-House my ass. It's made of wood, it sits in the garden; it's a SHED geddit!!!! Anyway, I'll put a photo up. It might shame old Lard-Ass into taking better care of me.

Cute ain't it? Dunno what all the lifebelts and things are for; it's 50 miles from the sea. Still, it looks pretty in a psycho sort of way.

C

NHS Blues

Well, massive and very welcome news in today's Indie. A letter signed by almost 250 of the UK's top doctors has expressed massive opposition to the Bill and the failure of the democratic process by the coalition.

 

It says, "... we believe MPs and peers have played the political survival of the coalition above professional opinion, patient safety and the will of the country. The Liberal Democrat leadership ignored the democratic view of its spring conference, continuing to support a Bill that betrays the proud heritage of Beveridge's vision of the welfare state. It has colluded with its Conservative coalition partners and utilised all the political dark arts of obfuscation, deceipt and media manipulation to confuse and conceal the Bill's underlying objectives in order to force it through. Liberal peers have even voted against their own amendments.

 

"Shocked by the failure of the democratic process and the role played by the Liberal Democrats in the passage of this Bill, we have formed a coalition of healthcare professionals to take on the coalition MPs at the next General Election, on the non-party, independent ticket of defending the NHS and acting in the wider public interest."

 

Among others, the letter is signed by Dr Clive Peedell and Dr Jacky Davis, Co-Chairs of the NHS Consultants Association, Professor John Ashton, John Moors University and Professor Wendy Savage, Obstetrics & Gynaecology, Middlesex University.

 

The coalition aims to put up against 50 of the current Lib Dem-marginals or high-profile seats. The Indie is backing the campaign and says that the Bill should have been ditched a year ago when it was falling apart in order to make some cosmetic tweaks.

 

So, if the Lib Dems really do want to continue to claim Beveridge as one of their own, they need to get in step with a few founding principles.

 

 

No doubt the local Lib Dem apparatchiks will continue to defend the Bill and bleat about the nasty doctors. Let them carry on in their folly and face a well deserved kicking in the election.

 

Safe in their hands? Apparently nobody but them and a few money-grubbing GPs thinks so.

Blue Shed Cynicism

I've been wondering lately how everyday terms we use are not always what they seem. I thought I'd share some of my favourites:-


Freedom of Information Act - A piece of legislation ensuring that the government, local councils and organisations can retain secret information.

Border Control Agency - A game of cat and mouse in which the mouse nearly always wins and on the rare occasions that it is caught, is released on bail the same day never to be seen again.

Workshop - Time spent away from the workplace chasing rainbows and building castles in the air.

Life imprisonment - A term of incarceration rarely lasting more than ten years.

A Home - A place where children are put into away from their normal place of residence.

Care in the community - Being turfed out of hospital.

Communication Department - A body charged with ensuring that any information it gives out is totally incomprehensible.

Human Resources - A department staffed by the inept and unknowing tasked with the the avoidance of any rational decision-making.

ASBO -  A document giving street cred to scrotes, thugs and hooligans.

Community Support Officers - Failed police officers.

Sat Nav - An instrument for assisting motorists to locate cul-de-sacs, bridleways and one way streets.

Customer Helpline - A 'service' that gives you plenty of time to cool down before registering your complaint.

Equal Opportunities - Ensuring that opportunities are heavily weighted in favour of small sections of the community.

Chief Executive - A person given a massive salary to enable him to pay for teams of management consultants to do his job for him.

All original I'm afraid. What a cynic I am.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:

I've got another couple for old Lard-Ass:-

Retirement - Sitting on your fat arse all day, moaning and groaning and trying to put the world to rights with alcoholic accompaniment.

Gardening - Sitting on your fat arse looking out of the window of your conservatory thinking to yourself that it's too cold to go outside.

Cats - An animal that produces three times its own weight in shit every day ande leaves it wherever it chooses; preferably as close to a BLUE SHED as possible.

Work - Something that old Lard-Ass has developed a major allergy to.

Errr... that's it.

Council Election Blues

My latest Opinion piece for Rochdale Online

ELECTION PLEDGE: THE HONESTY PARTY

“The promise given was a necessity of the past. The word broken is a necessity of the present.” Niccolo Machiavelli

            The month after next, the local elections will be upon us once again and I am minded to stand as a candidate. I have had a good look round at the local parties but to be honest, none of them really appeal to me so I thought I’d form my own.

I think that in Rochdale we really are due for a change. I know that they all say that but I really mean it. Like many, I don’t think that Rochdale has been particularly well-served by politicians of any hue over the past few decades so I’ve come up with something very different. I’m calling it The Honesty Party and here is my manifesto.

Over the next few weeks, you will probably see me on your doorsteps or receive one of my fliers. After that, I faithfully swear that you will see neither hide nor hair of me for at least another three years.

Rather than make a lot of false promises that you and I know I have no intention of keeping, I will not insult your intelligence and will keep these pledges to a minimum.

·         I pledge to put the people of Rochdale first as long as this does not interfere with any in-party wrangling.

·         I will be totally honest with you at all times unless it is in any way inconvenient for me to do so.

·         I will make myself available to my constituents any time that I feel that it is reasonable for me to do so.

·         Without fear or favour, I will not vote for any policies unless I feel that it is in my interest to do so.

·         I will regularly attend all meetings required of me unless it clashes with my social calendar or my television viewing.

·         If I decide to change party before my term of tenure is up, I swear faithfully not to submit myself for re-election.

·         I pledge that at all times I will never let any sense of honour interfere with my role as a councillor.

·         I promise to faithfully accept and act upon the advice of paid council officers at all times and in all circumstances.

·         I pledge to draw my councillors’ allowance regularly and in the fullest measure.

·         I will never let my complete lack of vision interfere with my council duties.

·         I will do my utmost to ensure that my photograph appears in the newspapers as often as possible.

·         I promise at all times during my tenure to try to live somewhere within the M62 corridor.

·         I will answer all letters and emails whenever I can find the time and energy to do so.

·         I pledge to ignore any or all of my pre-election promises in line with current expediency.

There you are. You may not agree with all my points or even like them but if you vote for me and it all goes tits-up, at least you won’t have any grounds for complaint.

I believe that this gives me a distinct advantage over my opponents.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS

I think old Lard-Ass might be on to something here. He is bone-idle so a councillor's life might suit him. Even scratching his own ass these days seems to be a major effort for him.

Mind you, I REFUSE to allow him to pin up any election posters on my pristine BLUE paintwork.

Review: First Chop Bar/Restaurant, Ramsbottom

43 Bolton Street, Ramsbottom.

Getting there:- Take East Lancs railway to Ramsbottom or 472 or 474 bus from Bury.

Blink and you'll miss it.

General

This is a real find. A bar come eatierie and my scores will reflect the fact that this IS a bar rather than a full-blown pub or dedicated restaurant. It is a shop conversion and has been in business for three years or so. Great range of real ales and ciders plus 6-7 continental beers on draught. Also cocktails and a good range of malts.

The main bar is at street level with a smaller bar and seating downstairs.

Ray, the owner is a real enthusiast and only puts beers on that he likes. Same with the food.

It is on the East Lancs Railway Ale Trail.

Live music on Thursdays and Sundays

Real Ales

Five beers on handpump. This can reduce to four midweek. Most from local breweries. I tried one from Irwell Vale, another from Porter's plus a real cider. Other brews not sampled came from Phoenix and Hawkshead, Thornbridge and Elland. All in tip top condition. If you buy five pints in a week your sixth is free but if you are a CAMRA member you don't have to drink them within the week.

Score 5/5

Other beers

Also, Liefmans, Amstell and four other continental beers and lagers on draught.

Score 5/5

Real Cider

Four real ciders on all the time.

Score 5/5

Bottled beers

A great selection of bottled beers from around the word including Belgium, Germany and the USA. Also fruit beers, root beer and dandylion and burdock. 

Score 5/5

Wine

9 wines that can be bought by the glass. On Tuesdays and Fridays if you buy two large glasses before 6.30, you get the bottle for free! Most of wines in £11-£14 range.

Also champagnes.

Score 5/5

Decor/Style/Ambience.

Plain, pine tables and seating. Functional rather than decorative.

Score 4/5

Toilets

Not visited

Food Tapas, sandwiches and their own fabulous burgers including the Burts cheese. £5-6 range. Sharing platters and much more. Kids get any tapas, fat chips, a fruit juice and ice cream for a fiver! On Tues-Thurs, buy two tapas and get a third free. All food is top quality and is sourced from local cheesemakers and bakeries in the north west.
 
Disabled access 

Score 5/5

Wheelchair users would have a problem as this is not a large bar but Ray will book you a quiet table if you let him know.

Score 4/5

Service

Extremely good, friendly. Generous tasters supplied on request. I got a nice wedge of Burts cheese plus three crackers. He loves his business and only too happy to welcome customers. Can be rare these days.

Score 5/5

Value for money

Given the overall choice and extremely good quality and numerous freebies and offers:-

Score 5/5

Scores
Beer 5/5

Cider 5/5
Wine 5/5
Food 5/5
Service 5/5
Decor/style 4/5
Disabled facilities 4/5 

OVERALL SCORE 5/5

(My first ever 5/5)

Recommend?

Yes, yes, yes!

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-

Needless to say Old Lard Ass arrived back pissed again. Hasn't he ever heard of the term 'Growing old gracefully?' Obviously not.

Rochdale Teenagers Getting the Blues?

IS ROCHDALE TROUBLED BY ITS TEENS?

“Youth is wasted on the young.” George Bernard Shaw

On RO’s news pages I was interested in three separate and seemingly unrelated stories relating to young people.

Firstly, there is the truly shocking statistic that in Rochdale, 43% of children are living below the official poverty line in the Smallbridge and Firgrove ward.. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/65466/figures-reveal-percentage-of-children-living-in-poverty

Secondly, there was the story about gangs of up to a hundred youths congregating in some of our local parks, allegedly to participate in long nights of drunken or drug-fuelled excess in which under-age sex also featured.  http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/65463/concerns-over-teen-drink-and-sex-sessions

Finally, there was a touching story of the 52-year old Heywood woman who was rescued from a burning building by a very plucky 16-year old neighbour. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/65400/woman-rescued-from-fire-by-16yearold-neighbour

Of course the poverty statistics are very much open to debate as the RO forum reveals. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14080&title=child-poverty We can argue about what constitutes REAL child poverty until we are blue in the face. Definitions of child poverty in the UK are obviously different to those that might have applied to the London of Charles Dickens or to a sub-Saharan country but the Rochdale figures do indicate serious grounds for concern.

Our children deserve the best start in life and yet in one ward in Rochdale almost half the children there are living in poverty. Whatever we think of the data, there is no room for complacency here and these figures should shame the politicians of all persuasions who have made vows to end child poverty over the past few decades.

In the story of teenage excess in Rochdale parks, we are presented with a slightly different take on childhood. Here a view is presented of adolescents who presumably have money to burn on drugs and alcohol. Whether or not the Bacchanalian orgies described by the police inspector really are like something out of a Cecil B DeMille film spectacular or are rather more low-key and tawdry also seems, on the forums at least, rather open to debate. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14086&title=teenagers-in-the-park

Whatever the facts involved in the poverty statistics and in the ‘booze and sex in the park’ stories there does seem to be strong indications that more needs to be done for young people in the town.

The days when teenagers joined youth clubs or some sort of uniformed or non-uniformed activity group seems to have gone long ago. Modern teenagers belong to the ipod generation where pleasures are often more materialistic and ephemeral than in days gone by.

Perhaps the Arts Centre we were once promised but will never be delivered might have helped to address some of the issues of those drifting towards delinquency, teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, alcoholism or perhaps all four.

Yes, we know that times are hard. The economic horse has bolted and the church-mouse is on the phone to wonga.com but we really do need to invest in the young. Some of this investment costs next to nothing and involves little more than improved parenting skills. Other investment needs to be of the more expensive kind and may involve bricks and mortar and an expansion of services to attract young people into leading more interesting, fruitful and rewarding lives.

One thing is certain. Provide them with little to nothing as appears to be the case at the moment and the situation can only get worse.

Our children are our future in both the literal and metaphorical senses. They deserve the very best environment in which to realise their potential. So much of the experience of growing up in the Rochdale of the present day seems unlikely to help this potential to be delivered.

And yet one 52-year old Heywood woman owes her life to the fact that one 16-year old, whatever his socio-economic background, on that night at least, was not involved in fulfilling anyone’s negative stereotype of teenagers and willingly risked his own life to save hers.

Should he get an award? Certainly.

But let’s not forget the other thousands of Rochdale children. Let’s ‘award’ them with the best possible environment to grow up in whether or not we are parents, politicians, planners, prospective employers or just fellow-citizens.

You know it makes sense.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:

He talks some guff. Bring back National Service I say. Too much time on their hands. Fornicating in the bloody park? Bring back the old Park Keepers I say and arm them with cudgels and tasers.

These buggers need a cold bath in the morning followed by a 5-mile run and a bowl of cold, lumpy porridge.

When I was a tree I didn't have sex. I just sort of grew out of the ground. I don't understand what all the bloody fuss is about.

Hot Sex Tips for Sheds

Hot Shed talk now brought to you by Shed-U-Like. Just try some of our hot shed lines and chat to like-minded connoisseurs. Just dial 1-800-HOT-SHED and at the tone press the correct digit. Then get down to some straight shed talk!!!

Dial 1 for HARDCORE ACTION!!! - Foundations and getting the right mixture of concrete/sharp sand.
Dial 2 for FIRM ERECTIONS!!! - Using the right bonding materials and fixings.
Dial 3 for HOT AND READY!!! - You're a bit sweaty, but your shed is now ready for use.
Dial 4 for PUMP ACTION!!! - Mending that old bike you keep in your shed.
Dial 5 for BANG ME HARD!!! - Ensure your shed is solidly built.
Dial 6 for DAMP DOWN BELOW!!! - Problems with seepage? Advice on damp courses.
Dial 7 for PERMANENT ERECTIONS!!! - Just what are the planning laws for sheds?
Dial 8 for RUB ME UP!!! - Shed preparation prior to applying paint/creosote.
Dial 9 for SLIPPERY WHEN WET!!! - Is lino flooring the best option?
Dial 10 for BIG CHESTS!!! - What to do with those old tea chests from your last move.
Dial 11 for GET OUT YOUR CANE!!! - More tips on preventing sweet peas from falling in high wind.
Dial 12 for IT'S DRIPPING ON THE FLOOR!!! - What to do if those old paint tins are leaking.
Dial 13 for I WANT YOUR SEED!!! - Swaps for old packets of flower and lawn seed.
Dial 14 for CHAIN ME UP!!! - Security for cycles and mowers.
Dial 15 for RAMPANT!!! - Trouble with vigorous ivy and clematis?
Dial 16 for IT'S A BIT SORE!!! - Remedies for back injuries.
Dial 17 for UP AGAINST THE WALL!!! - Spade, fork and broom storage.
Dial 18 for I WANT YOUR POLE!!! - A buyer's guide to new broom handles.
Dial 19 for TAKE IT FROM BEHIND!!! - Probably the best way to get your new shed into your back garden.
Dial 20 for HARD AND FAST!!! - How to lay a concrete foundation in one afternoon.
Dial 21 for WET AND WILD!!! - Rustic sheds in the Lake District.
Dial 22 for BIG ONES!!! - A review of the latest large sheds.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS

I'm a respectable shed I am!

Xmas Newsletter

Well it's Xmas again and newsletter time. If you wan't a copy and I ain't sent you one yet just email me or Facebook me and it'll be there like shite off a shovel.

Give racism the Blue Card!

Oh heck, I've just posted a message on Facebook warning people that I am fed up of getting crude racist messages on email and FB from well-meaning friends.

I got the idea from a friend who has done something similar. It just seems at the moment that it's ok to knock anyone. Race, anyone on benefits, the disabled. They are seemingly all fair game.

I got a really vile racist 'joke' via text last week from a former colleague. I might have sniggered at it in the 60's when I was young, foolish and woefully under-educated.

God knows this country has its problems but this sort of shite doesn't help. Neither am I the most PC person going and my irony often leaves people wondering.

The Blue Shed responds

I notice old Lard-Ass leaves out the subject of 'fat jokes'. A bit too close to home eh my adiposely-challenged friend?

How did he know I wanted to be painted Blue? He never asked.

Blue Shed Poetry

Here is my latest poem. I reworked Adrian Henri's fabulous 'Tonight At Noon' and gave it an updated, Rochdale slant:-

Tonight At Noon (Updated) by Hinch (With apologies to Adrian Henri

Tonight at noon
Supermarkets will refuse to stock Easter eggs before March
Tonight at noon
Children will learn how to skip again and to roll iron hoops
Bankers will take pay cuts to help the homeless
North Korea will scatter rose petals over the South                   
The Daily Mail will print messages of joy, tolerance and forgiveness
The first snows of summer will appear
And all our reservoirs will be forever brimming

Tonight at noon
Roaming dogs will clear up their own mess
Drake Street will ring to the sound of jingling tills and happy shoppers
Rochdale will be declared a World Heritage Centre
Salmon will be sighted leaping up the weir on Smith Street
And kebab shops will cater only for vegetarians
Fat ladies will refuse to wear their leggings
In markets and cafes
And track-suits will be worn only by sportsmen

Taxis will give way at crossings
Kareoke in pubs replaced by live music
Long queues outside our libraries
Traffic wardens embrace illegally-parked motorists
Flowers grow where once only litter flourished
Councillors set politics aside in order to work for the common good
Shoppers flock into town to marvel at the wondrous markets
            and
The sun will rise serenely in the West
Tonight at noon

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS

Oh yes, very bloody droll. Maybe 'tonight at noon' old Lard-Ass will get his backside off the mattress and go out and earn some money.

Sheds don't really write poetry but I'll have a go:-

There once was a geezer called Pete

Who was more on his ass than his feet

He would much rather shirk

As his wife went to work

While he supped his home-brew for his treat

Maybe I can do something more personal to me:-

No wonder this Shed is so BLUE

Being here is as bad as the zoo

I stand freezing all night

As the cats yowl and fight

When it rains I get soaking wet through.  



Public Sector Pension BLUES

Let me put my cards on the table here. I am a recently-retired public-sector worker which, if you believe some of the rubbish being circulated by the Daily Mail and the government makes me out to be some sort of criminal insofar as I have a pension that although small, allows me to live with something approaching dignity.

The fact that I contributed to this pension all my working life butters no parsnips with some as they point out that the money I paid my contributions with in the first place came originally from the public purse.

My pension lump sum allowed me to settle the mortgage on my modest two up, two down, Band A, terraced house. The sum I am left to live on every month equates to less than the National Minimum Wage. For this I spent over thirty years on the front line as a Staff Nurse in the NHS. During this time I dealt with kids with cancer, the elderly, violent drunks, drug addicts, HIV patients, mental illness, severe trauma, burns and all the other stuff you get to see on ‘Casualty’.

There is no bodily fluid that I have not mopped up again and again and again in copious quantities and I have dealt with the most emotionally-draining cases that still cause my eyes to water thirty-odd years later as I recall them.

Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t want a better pension than my colleagues in the private sector although I will admit that some of the deals that our bankers seem to get makes me drool with envy.

No, I believe that ALL people who work should be able to retire on a pension that allows them to live with dignity in old age. Instead of demonising public sector workers for wanting to retain their pension schemes, there should be legislation passed to force private employers to provide similar schemes. Then perhaps their own employees too can face retirement without fear and knowing that they won’t have to work until they drop in order to provide themselves with an acceptable standard of living.

Having retired, I cannot strike but I will be standing shoulder to shoulder on the picket line with my former colleagues on November 30^th. I know that patients will still be cared for because that is what we joined for. We didn’t join the service to stand outside our hospitals, town halls and schools on a freezing November morning to cry out for public sympathy. We are doing it because we believe that the current government proposals on pensions are unfair and will mean that many of our colleagues will have to work longer, pay more in and get less out of it at the end.

It hurts me to see any working man or woman demonised. In the public sector, amongst many other things, we deliver your babies, teach your children, lock up your criminals, empty your bins, wade through your raw sewage, put out your fires, keep your streets safe, look after you when you are ill or dying and bury or cremate you at the end.

We know that people who enter these services do not accrue great wealth and most of us remain fairly anonymous all our working lives. To be honest, that’s the way we prefer it. It takes a lot for us to get angry and stand or march chanting under banners. We know that times are very difficult so we are not asking for big pay-rises, company cars or fringe benefits.

All we want, when we choose to retire or can no longer work is a contributory pension scheme that allows us to live with dignity and respect.

It’s really not a lot to ask is it?

A retired Unite Member

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS

Well, for once I have to agree with him. First year of his so-called feather-bedded, inflation-proof pension and in the middle of November, he still can't afford to switch his heating on until just before his wife gets in at 5.30pm to save money.

He thinks I can't see him but he sits there in the conservatory with one of those electric throw-overs on him as he tries to keep warm.

I'm not starting to feel sorry for him as he chopped down my predecessor to fuel his chiminea but it's a bit rich.

I heard Cameron on the TV today saying that he thought the pension proposals were 'reasonable'. What a joke. What Pete gets per month wouldn't buy Cameron and his Tory pals a decent canape and a bottle of claret in the Bullingham Club!

I don't think that BLUE Sheds can actually go out on strike but I am very good at going slow so next Wednesday, I will be staging my own sit-down and go-slow strike here in the garden and just hope that those darned cats will take the day off from peeing over me and doing all the other stuff that moggies do.

Some hope!

A shift to the BLUE

Well I see my old pal and former colleague Jean Ashworth has jumped from the Lib Dem ship and landed on the Good Ship Tory-Boy. http://rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/63347/councillor-leaves-lib-dems-for-tories

It says more perhaps about the state of the local Lib Dem machine than it does of Jean's politics. It was probably less of a revelation on the Road to Damascus and more of a "Sod this, I've had enough" moment.

Mind you, I can't see her constituents voting for her as a Tory even though she has a solid personal following. May 2012 will reveal all.

Blue Shed Latest

Sorry it's been a while since my last Blue Blog. Have been busy on my volunteer stuff, house-training our two new, cute kittens Miss Tibbs and Matilda, brewing beer and writing my Xmas newsletter which I will mail out with my cards and also via email for the first time.

Have now joined a local writing group so am sharpening up my pen once again and filling my inkwell with vitriol.

For those of you who don't know, I write a regular column for Rochdale Online using the nom de plume 'John Hardcastle'. He is the character in Keith Waterhouse's 'Billy Liar' who writes in the Stradhoughton Echo as 'Man-o-the-Dales'.

Here is my latest offering:- http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/78/opinion/63217/remembrance-day-2011

I see that the government has joined forces with the Daily Mail to swing its cosh at the disabled. Am neither surprised or particularly upset. After all, that's what the Tories have always done and will contine to do.

There is nothing new under the sun Horatio.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS

Two cute kittens? Well pardon me Lard-Ass. They may be cute to you but to me they will just be another eight legs with which to scratch away at my nice bitumen roof when the little buggers are old enough to be let out to yowl, screw, piss and shite to their tiny hearts content wherever it pleases them.

By the way, thanks for nearly setting fire to me on Bonfire Night. I appreciate it. Mind you, as my BLUE predeccessor finally met her end in flames I should not be surprised.

Taling of flames, I see the old hag next door was giving you some verbal over your chiminea... again. Take heed if you dont want the local council round giving you the heat you so richly deserve.

Never mind all the writing. It's about time you got off your fat ass and tidied up the garden for winter or is that too much like hard work?

Tories get tough on energy prices

So let's get this right. Cameron gets tough on energy prices. He sends Chris Huhne to a summit with the Big 6 energy companies to tell them to reduce them.

Basically they say, 'Fuck Off and go and lag your boiler' and the government says 'OK' and... err... that's it.

What a crowd of Willie Wonkas!

What idiots voted these crew into power. (no pun intended.)

Well, I'm doing my bit. Switch all heating off during the day and sit in my conservatory with my 200 watt Tesco electric over-blanket on my knees to cut down the heating bills.

I only turn on the heating half an hour before Sinead comes in from work. Ain't I thoughtful?

The Blue Shed responds:


Thoughtful? Listen here Lard-Ass. While you are in there keeping your fat gut warm, I'm here in the bottom of your garden getting rained on, shat on and almost blown away in a 60mph wind!


Get real.


Look at you. Six months retired and you look like one of those ads from the Classifieds in the 'News of the World' where you sit in one of those zip-up quilt things all day just waiting for the bloody undertaker to call.


Ever hear of arterioschlerosis, DVT, haemostatis, stroke? No, I didn't think you had.


Get off your ass and get a job why doncha?

More BLUE news

Well, it's been a while since my last blog. Holidays/work, bone-idleness to blame plus the terrible brain-damage suffered as a result of watching too many party conferences.

Spent summer in garden but am back at work now two days a week doing what I do best... telling other people how to get their lives in order. (A bit like Pol Pot giving lectures on racial tolerence.)

The GREAT news is that my great friend's scan was all-clear so things looking MUCH better on that front.

Off to Majorca today though Mrs H has no idea where we are going.

The holiday in Normandy in August was one of the best ever. Ate loads of oysters, horse-steak and drank their magic cider in copious quantities.

Have started a campaign to get Norman Evans, famed Rochdale comedian a blue plaque. Les Dawson built his 'over the garden wall' sketches on Norman's earlier work. Read all about my campaign at http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/61697/campaign-launched-for-norman-evans-to-be-recognised-with-blue-plaque 

Have written to Paul Merton, Ken Dodd and Roy Hudd to try to get them to back me and I also have a few local councillors on-board.

My lovely red Range Rover died en-route to a bluegrass festival in Gloucester a few weeks ago. Write-off. Have now gone back to a Discovery td5 automatic in dark blue. It drives fab.

Just spent a boy's weekend with my mate Howard in Leicester. Boy, did we shift some booze*. (*NOTE: Rhetorical question.)

Retirement is the best thing I ever did even though I love my role as a volunteer. I get far more value out of it than I did at work. I really have set myself apart from all the NHS and trade union stuff emotionally as well as physically though I remain vice-chair of my branch.

News from my old employer, The Pennine Acute Getsmuchworse NHS Trust confirms the decision I made. Lions led by donkeys springs to mind. £2M of their budget has just been trousered by management consultants. When the public hears about how much money is being spent on the NHS, little do they realise how much of it is being shovelled out of the back door.

The friends who helped me get through the last 3-4 years of total crap are more valued by me than any mere words can describe.

I want to get back into some serious writing over the winter. Not sure what direction to go in but I need to earn some dosh. My pension would just about buy a Sudanese farmer a dead goat.

Talking about Sudan, did you see that cheap shot of the Tories who 'donated' their party political broadcast to the famine appeal? Pure schmaltz.

My beer-brewing is going from strength to strength. (No pun intended.) Got a barrel of 'Nelson's Revenge' on for Bonfire Night.

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS

Well, at least old Lard-Ass has got off his backside for one and sorted the garden out. New lawn. New BLUE gate. Pity about all the cat shit. I still have to endure the local moggies having a yowl-fest every night and red and grey squirrels scuttling over my roof to get at the peanuts without so much as a by-your-leave.

I just wish it would stop pissing down. Good job Lard-Ass gave me a couple of coats of BLUE waterproof paint.

It's all gone quiet on the chininea war front. Think he's got his fingers burnt there. (Yes, SHEDS can make jokes too!)

What's Lard-Ass up to?

Well old Lard-Ass is up to something. Been a lot of hammering and banging going on over the last few days. I also felt a weird pricking sensation around my roof. What is he up to?

Yesterday his crazy brother-in-law came and put a new garden gate on. Today Lard-Ass painted it Blue. Had to laugh, as soon as he finished there was a cloudburst and half the paint was washed off. He is such a pillock!

The turf has taken well so I am now surrounded by a lush but rather small green lawn. Maybe he is after taking up croquet like that Lard-Ass Labour politician whose name I forget.

Something is definitely afoot. I don't like it. Is he going to torch me like he did with Blue Shed Mk 1? Who knows. He's mad enough for anything.

It is also a Bank Holiday weekend. That does not bode well. Lard-Ass usually gets drunk, invites friends round, plays Led Zeppelin and gets his harmonica out. He generally makes an idiot of himself.

I do not like it. Not one little bit.

A red and a grey squirrel came scampering over my felt-hat yesterday to rob his bird-feeder. Good on you boys but watch out for those bloody cats. They are vicious, yowling demons.

The Return of Lard-Ass

Well I'm back from holidays. (Full report on my Facebook page.) Had a fab weekend in Cumbria with an old and very valued friend. Now planning next years hols.

My daughter had a really BIG cancer scare this week but results are not looking as bad as we feared. To be checked again in six months.

My Great Friend is also responding well to treatment so things looking ok... after a fashion.

Bloody residents meeting tonight. I could do without it to be honest. Not really into these neo-vigilante things. Full of little-Hitlers.

Garden looking fab. Had lawn laid round Blue Shed so he should be pleased... for once.

Made a lovely bacon and egg pie tonight. Click on for receipe. http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13632&PID=275349

THE BLUE SHED RESPONDS:-

Pleased? I'm still thinking about the fate of my predecessor. Up in smoke after years of faithful service. Still, Old Lard-Ass got a shock on return from his hols. Letter from the council warning him that neighbours had complained about smoke from his chiminea. That'll shut him up for a while.

Well the lawn looks better that the pile of mud that preceded it but already I can see three pieces of cat-poo on it already.

It's only about 17 sq metres but Lard-Ass still had to get someone to lay it. Bone-idle. I know he's retired but he is surely taking the pizza!